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An article talking about the pros and cons of planned and unplanned pregnancies got me thinking. I’ve got a secret: even parents who plan to get pregnant are shocked about various aspects of pregnancy and parenthood. I’ve experienced both sides of the fence and I can assure you that pregnancy and the prospect of parenthood, planned or unplanned, can make even the bravest of mothers and fathers shake in their boots.
The truth is, as the article states, over half of the pregnancies in the United States are unplanned. Some were teens. Some were twenty, thirty and even forty-somethings who were dating but thought they were exempt from unplanned pregnancies as they were no longer a teen. A large number that fall in the statistic were married and welcomed a surprise into their life. Whatever the case of conception, the truth is that you don’t have to feel as if you are bad or somehow “less than” parents who chose to become pregnant.
Why? I’ll use myself as an example.
In trying to conceive our first child, my husband and I were very excited about the prospect of being parents. We read books. We talked with our doctors and other parents. We thought about names. When we got pregnant, the initial feeling was outstanding! A baby! Of our own! Having placed my firstborn for adoption, I was beyond excited that this little one would be coming home with me, with us, when we left the hospital.
And then there were issues with our insurance. And then my pregnancy was very complicated. And then that very baby came home with us (and my husband got a stomach virus from the hospital and was out cold for three days). Suddenly we were responsible for this little baby. And we were scared!
Obviously, we eventually got used to it. Enough to plan and have another child. We still have moments of doubt. “Am I doing the right thing? Are they going to grow up and hate me? Will I pay for years of therapy for that one time I did x, y or z thing?” The doubts that I experienced as a young mother experiencing an unplanned pregnancy weren’t all that different from the doubts I experience as an older, married mother who planned her children. The difference is that I now know to trust myself. I now know to listen to my motherly instinct. I also know to accept help from friends and family so that I can have a date night or get some work done.
True, some of that comes with age. Some of it comes with experience. Most of it comes from the everyday, fly-by-your-seat kind of life that parenting forces you to live. While you can plan your pregnancy, you can’t plan how your child will act or react, sleep or not sleep, eat or not eat. For some, that’s big and scary. For others, it fits their personality. I have learned to let go over the years, to allow life to happen. I don’t think I was able to consider such a thing as I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my firstborn.
I encourage you to consider it now. Even if you place your child for adoption, you’ll have to learn to roll with the punches. The life of a birth mother is not one of meticulously planned events. Adoptive families grow and change, just as yours will over the years. As a birth mother, you’ll have to accept those changes even if they catch you off guard. Placing your child for adoption does not guarantee that everything will go smoothly or that you will have an uneventful, calm life. Keep that in mind as you make your decisions.
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