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I have talked with many an expectant mother over the past few years. For those mothers who are actively pursuing an adoption plan for their child, I have seen something disturbing crop up over and over. These well-intentioned mothers often refer to the child growing within their own uterus as the potential adoptive parent’s baby.
Don’t get me wrong: I understand what they’re doing. I understand it because I did it.
I was reading back through some of my journal entries during the time that I was pregnant with the daughter that I relinquished for adoption. Sometimes, though not all the time, I referred to her as “their baby” or “her baby.” I figure there must be a few reasons for this to happen.
1. The expectant mother has not been counseled at all as to the fact that the child she is carrying is her child and always will be her child. No matter what happens after the birth of the baby, you cannot remove the fact that the child grew within that mother’s womb and she made parenting decisions for the baby during that (hopeful) nine month period. However, the adoption plan often grays the issue. Is it her baby? Or is it their baby? An expectant mother considering relinquishment who is dealing with an ethical agency or attorney and is therefore receiving counseling should be informed that, especially for the time being, that baby is 100% her baby.
2. The expectant mother is trying to emotionally detach from the situation at hand, and as such, doesn’t want to bond any more than she already has with the child. This is something I see mother actively admit to and not just on this topic. Some mothers claim that they don’t want to see their child because it will be too hard. (Note: it’s going to be hard anyway. Get some cuddle time in!) It’s a defense mechanism, a way of coping. However, it’s not healthy either. Denying that you are a mother will only further impact grief later on. Growing in and accepting your motherhood doesn’t make it magically a piece of cake to deal with once the relinquishment papers are signed and your child has gone home with another set of papers but it does make it easier in the way that you don’t have to make an excuse as to why you are sad.
3. The expectant mother has been counseled to refer to the baby as such and/or not to bond with the child. This bad, bad advice either comes from unethical agencies or attorneys or well-intentioned family members and friends who know nothing of the emotional aspects of grief and loss as they are related to adoption. (Sadly, this advice also comes from those who are attached by adoption either as adoptees, adoptive parents and other birth parents. Trust me, it’s just wrong.) Usually the expectant mother is so confused on who to trust in the crisis situation that she tries to please everyone.
There are other reasons, of course, such as when an expectant mother conceived as a result of rape or incest. I do believe, in cases like these, the defense mechanism is probably warranted and possibly necessary. But in every other case, I truly wish that these mothers were being told the truth.
What’s the truth?
Right now, you are that child’s one and only mother. It doesn’t matter what you’ve signed, who you’ve talked to or what promises you have made. You are the one providing the nutrients for that child. You are the one making the decisions. You are the one keeping that child safe. As such, allow yourself to feel like a mother. Refer to yourself as a mother. That child possesses half of your DNA. You are part of that child. That child is part of you. Please just respect yourself that much to allow yourself to address this pregnancy as your own. It is your own. That child is yours.
And so, if you see a mother who claims that she is carrying someone else’s child, would you please send her this way. I’d love to talk to her and help her break through whatever is hindering her ability to fully accept her motherhood. It’s so important to do.
