Several of my fellow bloggers at adoptionblogs.com have been talking about the issue of gratitude today, from various perspectives in the triad. It seems it's pretty common for society to expect adopted people to feel grateful, either for not being aborted or for being taken in by an adoptive family.

I thought I’d chime in on the notion of gratitude and how it relates to you in a crisis pregnancy.

If you’re working on an adoption plan, you’re probably hearing plenty of people praise the "unselfish" nature of your decision. They’re telling you that surrendering your baby is the most loving choice you can make, and that it's what your baby would want you to do. By implication, they are also telling you that your child will be grateful for your decision.

It’s tempting to want to do what everyone says your child would approve of; after all, we all want our children to like us. But in reality, no one can say what your unborn baby wants. And it isn’t wise to let the expectation of gratitude be a factor in your decision. Let’s face it, most kids aren’t grateful for much of anything their parents do, and yours probably won’t be much different.

Adoption just takes that whole state of affairs and makes it more complicated. While some adopted people do say they're glad their birthmother made the choice she did, a sizable group of others are distinctly NOT grateful about their adoptions. They see being an adopted person as painful, an extra burden to overcome, and not something they would have chosen for themselves.

To put it more clearly, while adopted people may feel good about having been adopted, they are not happy to have been relinquished. (This divides the experience into two separate events: being given up and being taken in.) The first, caused by you, is exceedingly hurtful, while the second has more positive associations of love and warmth. Credit for that part will probably go to the adoptive parents, not you.

Abandonment is a very big issue in adoption. Quite a few adopted people, especially those in closed adoptions, report feeling rejected by their birthmothers. They carry around anger about this perceived abandonment, and have difficulty trusting in relationships.

It’s very hard to accept that the most painful choice you make for your child might not be appreciated by them. There are no guarantees your child will like what you’ve done. Can you live with that? Don’t fall into the “martyr” trap of being convinced you are doing something beautiful and noble for your child. You might be disappointed if the eventual adult doesn't see it that way. He may, or may not.

To sum up: don’t underestimate the extent to which adopted people deal with issues of abandonment. This is yet another reason that truly open adoption is preferable. Because you never really walk away, you'll help reduce your child's feelings of abandonment.