So you're looking at profiles, struggling with the monumental decision of what type of people would make the best parents for your baby. How on earth do you decide? What criteria should you use? How can anyone possibly sit in judgement on another family?

Obviously, choosing parents is a very personal decision, different for every woman. What's important to one expectant mother will not be a consideration at all to another.

Instead of giving you a laundry list of things to look for, I'll just ask you to think about big, overarching themes. I'll also assume you're setting the stage for a semi-open or open adoption since those are the most common arrangements these days. (I don't think that anyone should consider anything less than a fully open adoption, but that is a topic for another post.)

1. Compatibility. Ideally, open adoption is an ongoing, reciprocal relationship, so you'll want to get along with these people over the long term. If you have basic personality differences from the outset, your relationship will be that much harder, especially during times of stress. So, do you like these people? Are they very similar to you, or are they your opposites? Will they teach your child the same type of values that you would have, if you had done the parenting?

2. Commitment. Do they really understand what open adoption means, and do they intend to follow through? Do you get a strong sense that they'll keep their promises, and won't abandon the relationship when things get tough? This is a hard thing to gauge, and it's one reason many expectant women prefer to look at parents who have already adopted. That way, you can see how they treat the birthfamily of their first child.

3. Wisdom. How well does this family understand the special challenges of adoption? Will they tell your child the truth about the adoption from the beginning, and not try to hide or deny it? Can they acknowledge that your child may face issues that non-adopted people don't have to deal with? Are they willing to grow, to learn, to change as new circumstances arise?

Searching for the right parents for your child is extremely difficult. As a choice with lifelong implications for several generations beyond you, it's as hard or harder than deciding who you're going to marry. Any woman who makes such a tough call deserves a lot of credit for doing so. I hope you'll feel the sense of responsibility as you negotiate this decision. It may end up being your only parental action on behalf of your child, but it is an enormous one!