In the adoption community or reading across the adoption forums, you may notice different names for birthmothers – women who placed their children for adoption. It can all be a little confusing at times. In the forums, birthmothers can be very adamant about what name they prefer to use. I’m not talking about what their child calls them, but the name in which society refers to them.

Just plain old “Mom” would be great but that would probably be confusing so that brings us to the other terms you might hear. Birthmom, First Mom, Life Mom, and Natural Mother. I think that’s all of them.

Before I delve into explanations of the different names we should probably explore the term birthmother. It refers to the biological mother of the child and is typically the politically correct term and most often used by the general public. Although, at times, I still find myself having to explain the term birthmother. The term is mistakenly used at times before a mother has relinquished her rights but technically should not be used until the role is transferred.

According to Bill Bentzen’s Planning an Adoption

Please note that until there is an adoption, the person planning adoption is referred to as a parent, mother or father. It is only after the adoption that the term birth parent is used. The adoption process changes your role as a parent. Until then you are a parent in every since of the term.

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On to the term First Mother. It is kind of self explanatory if you look at it, right? It’s the first mom. The first person who loved the baby, cared for him/her, and made decisions for him/her. In all honesty, this is my favorite term, although on a day to day basis I use birthmother. I was my son’s first mother – the first one to know of his existence, the first to hear his heartbeat, the first to see him on the ultrasound, the first to feel him, etc. These are the “firsts” I have. His adoptive mother got the other ones – first word, first tooth, and first step. I treasure the firsts I did have and besides, first mother just sounds more special!

Lifemother is a term made popular by fellow birthmom, Skye Hardwick, who runs a website for birthmothers coined after the term. It refers to the person who gave the baby life and is a mother, if not in the tangible sense, it some form, for the child’s entire life. Skye has a lengthy explanation on her site that explains why she likes the term lifemother for herself. My favorite portion of that explanation says,

'Life' in Lifemother represents the continuous role I have in my child's life - even if my adoption was closed, I will always pray for, and think about my beloved child.
'Life' in Lifemother represents the truth that my role did not end at birth, but continues for life.
'Life' in Lifemother represents the truth that even though I am not a parent to my child, I will always be one of her mothers; from near or afar.

Lastly, let’s talk about the term “natural mother.” I couldn’t find a whole lot of information about this term, except for the fact that it was one of the more original terms used in older adoptions for the most part. Some people said they didn’t like it because it made the relationship between the adoptive mother and child seem unnatural while others preferred the term because it recognized the natural connection between mother and child.

There is probably some other term referring to birthmothers I left out of the mix, but hopefully next time your floating around the online adoption world and see all the different terms, you’ll recognize them and know that they are all referring to the same person.