Here's my own personal list of things NOT to say to a woman considering adoption:

1. “He’ll be better off with a family who can give him more.” What I always want to say people who spout off this kind of comment so easily is, “Really? And how do you know this? Just how far into the future are you able to see?”

I also want them to define “more.” Are we talking material things? How do you know what level of material goods are best for a child to have? Many kids who grow up in poverty turn out to be much better people than those who had everything handed to them. And if we’re talking about stability, children who are placed in adoptive homes in order to gain a two-parent household are just as likely to suffer a family breakup due to divorce or death. There are no guarantees that the adoptive home will be qualitatively better, long-term. As with biological families, it’s pretty much the luck of the draw.

2. “Your baby was meant to be with (insert adoptive family here).” You gotta love people who think they are privy to the entire cosmic plan. It's good that they feel they know the mind of God...but some people, like me, are not so sure...which is why I’d like to offer an alternative view. What if there is no hidden meaning behind adoptive placements? What if they are just a result of two sets of good people trying to meet their own needs while providing stability for a child? Possibly, just possibly, God doesn’t micromanage to this level, and lets humans work things out, for better or worse. Or who knows, maybe God does plan everything--but even so, it’s best to avoid foisting your theological beliefs on a woman in crisis, especially since she might not agree with your views. It’s another heavy load she doesn’t need at this time.

3. “You’re doing the right thing.” Again, my response is, “How on earth do you know?” With a decision as enormous and life-altering as surrender, it’s incredibly hard for anyone to be certain what the “right” thing is—especially outsiders with no stake in the outcome. The people making these comments probably aren’t familiar enough with the facts to be able to judge. If you care at all about the person you're speaking to, it is better to keep your opinion on what "the right thing" is to yourself, and simply offer silent support.

3. “You should (have an abortion, give up your baby, parent).” If you ever feel tempted to tell a pregnant woman what to do, just remember that you aren’t the one who will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life. This decision belongs to the expectant parents, and only to them. “Should” is a coercive word, and far too overused in the adoption arena.

4. “I could never do that.” Wanna bet? The fact is, you don’t know what you might do until you are faced with extreme pressure. None of us grew up thinking we'd give up babies, or be single parents, or have abortions--those aren't things little girls dream about with longing. But they are reality.

Bottom line: don’t heap your superiority on a woman in crisis. She doesn’t need it!

5. “How could anyone give up a BAYYYYBY?” The answer is, unless you have well-developed powers of empathy, you can’t know until you’ve faced such extreme circumstances yourself. If you haven’t been there, or if you lack the ability to imagine yourself in another person’s shoes, it’s best to keep your mouth shut and avoid making unproductive comments like this one.

6. “The REAL parents are the ones who change the diapers.” Yes, well, hmmm. There is no need to make expectant parents feel diminished due to the fact that they are considering the weightiest parental decision of all time—whether to entrust their baby to others. Yet so many people feel the need to do this.

REAL parents make decisions based on their children’s needs. REAL parents act out of love and careful thought. Changing a diaper is not the only mark of parenthood; there are many ways to be a parent--including putting your own needs aside to consider those of your child. As an astute adopted person once said, “Duh, ALL my parents are real. None of them are imaginary.”

7. “I hope you won’t try to stay involved after the birth. That will only confuse the child.” Like most adoption comments, this one is usually spoken out of ignorance, not malice. If the speaker had ever actually read the research or met a family that has a true open adoption, they probably wouldn’t say this. Adults seem more easily confused by open adoption than kids are, because adults are generally more hung up on roles, loyalty and ownership.

8. “Open adoption is wanting to have your cake and eat it too. The adoptive parents do all the hard work, and you just get to come in and be the good guy.” This is related to the diaper-changing comment of the same genre. Apparently, most people are very afraid that the day-to-day parents won’t get credit for the hard work they do in raising a child, so they strike out at the surrendering parents. But if you’ve spent any time around adopted people, you know that they are usually quite capable of loving two different kinds of parents at once: the ones who raised them, and the ones who created them.

This comment also represents a basic misunderstanding of what open adoption is. It isn’t a party. Being there for one’s child while not being a part of their daily lives can actually be harder than simply walking away. It requires a lot of work from birthparents...work that is almost as hard as the raising of a child.

9. ““Giving up your baby is so unselfish” / “Wanting to keep your baby is so selfish.” These comments are the worst, mostly because they’re so coercive. No one wants to be seen as selfish, and women in particular will go to great lengths (including giving up their child) in order to avoid that label. However, it is not necessarily selfish to want to raise your own child. It is a natural desire, and it is also the preferred outcome as long the child will not suffer harm as a result of staying with his or her biological family.

So that's my short list of phrases that are sure to tick me off. I have no doubt that the list will be different for every birthparent, as we all have different views. But when talking to parents considering adoption, you might just want to go ahead and avoid these potentially sensitive areas entirely, since you can never know where someone in crisis is coming from.