I also fault the women I spoke to for neglecting to bring up the longer-term effects of birthmotherhood, such as the loss of connection to your grandchildren (remember, adoption changes everything for future generations of your family, not just the present one). They forgot to talk about the sadness the missing child causes for your nieces and nephews. They didn’t mention what it might be like to see your own father break down and cry, completely demoralized by not getting to be Grandpa.

Maybe I’m being too hard on these women I spoke to. Probably it’s impossible to know what it feels like until you’ve done it. I know I’m not doing a good job of it here.

My point is, in hindsight I wish I had scoured the Internet to find some independent voices. What I have learned from the hundreds of birthmoms I’ve met since then and what I heard from those agency spokesmoms were two different versions of events.

Women that speak to expectant moms on behalf of adoption agencies are often highly wedded to their decision. They see their experience in black and white, with no greys. They have a vested interest in convincing others to make the same choice they did; it helps them manage their grief and it validates their own decision.

Another problem is that these are usually are relatively new birthmothers, not very far into the process. They haven’t even had time to get through the denial phase of their grief, and they haven’t yet lived through many of the birthmother mileposts that can really derail you. I'm talking about things like what it feels like when you find out your child has been sick or hospitalized; what happens when the adoptive parents break off contact; or how to deal with the losses felt by your subsequent child, who misses the older sibling.

My recommendation is that you try to talk to women who have lived with adoption for at least 15 years or more. These more experienced women have worked through every step of the grief process. You might think that all older birthmoms are from the closed adoption system, but that’s not the case. Open adoption has been going on long enough that you can find birthmothers with grown children (now in college or young adults), who have had an ongoing relationship with their child ever since birth.

And look for women who aren’t affiliated with a particular adoption agency. That way you can get the most accurate picture of how the surrender experience might feel to you.

Though I will admit, you can’t really know until you’ve been there.