Recently I asked a group of birthmothers the question, “What do you wish you had known during your pregnancy and the adoption process that you now know as a birthmother?”

The answers are interesting and some vary from birthmother to birthmother while others have the same overall gist. Some of the birthmoms are rather new and still in the throws of deep grief while others have had time to process their feelings, yet still feel the pain of loosing their motherhood. I find the answers of each person interesting and heartfelt.

This will probably be a series that will expand over time as more answers come in…..

M. placed her daughter Sarah in an open adoption in May 2004.

” I thought that I became pretty educated when I started searching for agencies. The more agencies I spoke to the more I learned. I also did not know until mid way through the process how state laws differ for financial support. All state laws are different across the board.

The two most important things I wish I knew were to have a birthmother advocate with me both pre and post adoption as well as in the hospital. And that I wish I had had counseling with the adoptive family both pre/post adoption.

The bottom line is EDUCATION!!!!!”

Lee placed her son in a closed adoption in 1979.

“I wish I had known how much it would hurt, how empty I would feel, how I would never go on to live a 'normal' life. I wish I had known how to deal with all the guilt, anger and resentment. In the 'closed' era there was no counseling not before, not during, and not after. I wish I had known how to grieve properly and had been helped through that period. On a more personal note - I wish I had known beforehand the long term effects of being abandoned by my nearest and dearest and the loneliness and pain each birthday brought.”

S placed her son in a closed adoption in 1987.

”I wish I had known that there were options available for me to keep my baby.”

Amanda placed her son in an open adoption in May of 2006.

“I wish I had known that I wouldn't want all of my friends to come see me in the hospital. When it came down to it, I didn't want anybody there but my mom and Henry’s parents. But even as much as I wanted them there, I felt bad for saying "can I hold him now???" when one of them did, because I wanted to be the only person to hold him. I wish I would have known to say BEFOREHAND, just be there, but don't try to be his mommy JUST YET... They WERE really great though, i just didn't speak my wishes as much as I should have.”

To be continued......