A lot of people assume (as I did, before my introduction to the world of adoption) that adopted kids were originally unwanted. Isn’t that the taunt we commonly hear on the school playground?
“Nah, nah. You were adopted—your mother didn’t want you.”

But in reality, nothing could be less true. There is a big difference between unplanned and unwanted.

I wanted my son very badly. Wanting him is the reason I put up such resistance to the idea of getting an abortion. It’s why I made a place for him in my home, purchased nursery items, and wrote a journal for him. It’s why I doubted that I alone, as a single parent, was good enough for him. It’s why I stayed up nights crying, wondering what to do. And for better or worse, it’s why I entrusted him to another family.

So yes, I wanted him. But I think most people still view birthparents as abandoners who do not want their children. Why? Because it’s much easier to think that than to recognize the complex social failings that lead to a relinquishment. A lot of things have to go wrong for a baby to be placed: big things like poverty, teen pregnancy, absent fathers, untreated health issues. Support networks have to fail, and women have to feel that they can’t provide enough to their children. And let’s not forget, some relinquishments are brought about by plain rottenness and greed. Who wants to think about all that?

Easier just to assume the mom didn’t want her baby.

It goes back to that old “sinner/saint” dichotomy, in which birthparents are either selfless angels who made the ultimate sacrifice, or heartless wretches who abandon their babies. Neither image is very accurate. In every relinquishment, there is so much more going on behind the scenes.

I’m not sure how we can get society to give parents in crisis pregnancies more credit, or to take a more nuanced and realistic view. Maybe we never will.

But one thing that can change is how we talk about it. The excellent blogger Jan Baker, who writes about adoption search from the birthfamily point of view, recently brought up a good point. Is an accidental pregnancy a mistake, or a surprise? Is it a crisis, or merely unplanned? A problem, or an opportunity?

It’s all in how you view it.