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A few months ago, an expectant mother posted about her dilemma. She had lost a long-time job when her employer passed away. She was pregnant. She couldn’t manage bills or rent. The government programs, like many experience, were filled with a lot of red tape and errors kept occurring. To boot, she couldn’t find an OBGYN in her area that accepted Medicaid. When she contacted the agency, she was told that nothing could be done to actually help her until her baby was born as they lived in state where money can’t be used to help mothers considering placement.
I’m torn. I have a problem with agencies and adoptive families providing financial care for expectant parents. The problem I have with that scenario is that it often creates a feeling of obligation to place. The truth is that a mother should feel free to change her mind and decide to parent at any point up until the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has been signed. If money has changed hands, she may feel as if she has no other choice. In fact, some agencies may tell her that she has no other choice.
However, cases like this woman also break my heart. Churches that she had called turned her away. The bueracracy of government assistance programs kept failing her. (Not that fraud safe-guards shouldn’t be in place but it’s often the people that legitimately need help that get trampled upon.) While the decisions that lead her to get pregnant were her own, losing her job was not her fault or her choosing. This particular economy has proven difficult for even the most qualified individuals on the market to find employment. What was she to do? Who could she turn to if even adoption agencies weren’t willing to help?
It’s hard to say. One might say that since she kept hitting so many closed doors regarding the potential placement of her child, she was meant to parent. Part of me agrees. The other part of me also understands how scary it is to think about parenting without gainful employment while simultaneously fighting with government programs. Trying to figure out how to afford parenting while barely able to afford food is a scary prospect. And so, some thoughts.
1. If you find yourself this situation, keep working with the government programs. I know it’s frustrating. I actually ended up losing my coverage twice because of errors on the part of the program. It’s important to realize that, of course, humans do make mistakes. Most of the time, they’re really not “out to get you.” In addition to mistakes, there are safeguards in place to make sure that people are not taking advantage of the system. It’s sometimes hard to cope with when you know that you’re not a fraudulent person. Just stick with it. Make calls, call higher up if you need to.
2. Keep calling adoption agencies. While I would advise you to avoid accepting money, someone may have an idea as to how to find you affordable housing or be able to advise you properly. There are ethical agencies out there that also have experience with government assistance and making decisions. Keep calling until you find one.
3. As you work with government assistance, ask the questions necessary to see what is available to you to help you parent your child. Don’t just ask the immediate questions (how can I receive food stamps and housing assistance right now) but ask the long-term ones (in what ways would I qualify for assistance for myself and my child)?
The truth is that you don’t have to work with an agency. They also don’t have to work with you. As you attempt to find an agency to work with, you should also be fully researching any parenting options and assistance programs made available to you. Don’t just think about short-term answers. Think about the long-term ones as well.
