March 18th, 2007
Posted By:

I got a little help from my friends on this one. These are some of the top things that we as birthmothers feel that adoption professionals forget to tell you while pregnant and making an adoption plan. Thanks to my friends who helped out with this post!

We wish adoption professionals had told us…

  1. That open adoptions are not legally binding or enforceable. It really is dependent on whether or not the family you have chosen is trust worthy or not, which is often hard to detect in just a few months time. Legally they can close the adoption at any point whether it is in the “best interests of the child” or not.
  2. advertisement
  3. That I had the right to spend as much time as I wanted to with my child in the hospital. That was MY time to mother her, feed her, love on her, etc… (Submitted by J)
  4. That adoptees will experience loss and grief too even if they are placed from birth. (Submitted by J)
  5. That you would be on an uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster for some time after relinquishment. (Submitted by B.)
  6. Of our rights! Such as to name our baby, hold our baby, etc… (submitted by M)
  7. That I might not ever be able to have anymore children. That I might be “giving away” my only child.
  8. That you can not just “move on.” There is no forgetting, no matter how hard you may try. (Submitted by A.)
  9. That adoption would not only affect me but it would affect subsequent children and my family members too. (submitted by L)
  10. That the placement of my child will affect me and bring up mixed emotions with subsequent pregnancies or children. (Submitted by C)
  11. That I will never again feel whole. (submitted by J)

Readers, do you have anything to add? Anything you feel the adoption professionals forgot to tell you?

8 Responses to “Things the Adoption Professionals Forgot to Tell You”

  1. thomasina says:

    That relinquishment contributes to lifelong feelings of worthlessness.
    That adoptive parents are just regular people; your child will not necessarily have a better life.
    That agencies and PAPs are not always completely honest about what PAPs have to offer your child. (e.g. a semester of college, or an associate’s degree can be made to seem like a doctorate in the PAP’s credential file)
    That adoptive parents do not have to honor your wishes (e.g. religious affiliation….my son’s parents joined a cult after promising he would be raised Catholic…which they were at the time of placement)
    That after reunion, you may be grossly disappointed with the way the APs raised your child, an the outcome. (e.g. the children I raised were taught to value education and my placed child was not).
    This list could go on and on……

  2. Coley S. says:

    Thanks for the comment Thomsina! Agreed that the list could go on and on and on…. I just picked what I thought were the ten best and will probably do a part 2 at some point in the near future. You brought up some really good points!

  3. Jan Baker says:

    Adoption professionals told me nothing – gave me no idea of what to expect – and I was too numb to ask. I was young, naive and expected no permanent afteraffects – no lifelong consequences.

    How about that adoptive parents divorce and placing a child for adoption does not insure a two parent family?

    I knew it would hurt for awhile to lose my child – but not forever. My son will be 38 years old on his next birthday – think I should be “over” the loss by now?

    Important subject Coley, Thomasina’s additions were good too.

  4. Coley S. says:

    How about that adoptive parents divorce and placing a child for adoption does not insure a two parent family?
    I actaully have a post prewritten about that for the OA blog, Jan!

  5. Heather Lowe says:

    Great list. Here’s another one:

    That I didn’t need to rush to a decision. I could have taken my baby home, seen how parenting went, and made the decision in my own time, not theirs.

  6. thomasina says:

    I’m at 36.5 years, Jan. (((I hear ya.))))

  7. Coley S. says:

    Great list. Here’s another one:

    That I didn’t need to rush to a decision. I could have taken my baby home, seen how parenting went, and made the decision in my own time, not theirs.

    Oh good one Heather!!

  8. I am so glad that you used two of my ideas 1) I will NEVER feel whole again and 2)that I had EVERY right to spend as much time with her in the hospital. I do not regret placing Brenna, but I do regret not standing up for myself and saying…no DEMANDING more time with my daughter. That is my ONLY regret.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.