Recently, Mary Anne Cohen, a birthmother and author of a terrific adoption newsletter called Origins, had some things to say about how it’s not possible to predict how adoption will work out for our kids. The best we can do is try to figure out what’s best at the time, at the point of pregnancy—and that might not turn out to be the right answer over the long term.

Here’s what Mary Anne says:

“One of the worst things for me was the utter pointlessness of my pain as far as my son's life went. I WISH he had gotten the better life I imagined, the brighter, richer, more beautiful and mature parents, the happy childhood, the college education, the things I supposedly could not provide. He got none of that. There was no point to any of it, for either of us.

All surrendering mothers should be aware that nothing is guaranteed in adoption, or in raising a child as a single mom. Either way, nobody can predict what is the better choice in all cases, or tell any mother that one way or the other is the ONLY right choice.

What is best for the child has be decided on an individual, case by case
basis, not with sweeping statements that adoption is always better or never
better. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not."

Now, some might say that the ultimate success of an adoption was much more “luck of the draw” in Mary Anne’s time. After all, she comes from the era of closed adoptions, and she wasn’t allowed to ever meet her child’s parents, let alone pick them out. However, the ability to pick your child’s parents is not always the blessing it seems to be, especially if you make a bad choice. Like anyone else, hopeful adoptive parents can look terrific on paper, but have serious underlying issues that don’t crop up until some time down the road.

I go back to the example of someone I know who placed her child with what started off as a terrific family. All went well for the first ten years or so, and then the adoptive father suffered a complete mental breakdown. After a lot of pain and drama, the parents eventually divorced, and the family had to go on the run and into hiding to get away from the crazy dad. What had been a lovely open adoption was now a total wreck. What had been intended as a healthy, stable situation for the adopted child had disintegrated into the birthmother’s worst nightmare—and her child suffered deeply. Everything the adoption was supposed to achieve did not come to pass. So what was the point?

A home study is supposed to weed out cases like that, but home studies do not always prevent such situations. Unfortunately, while today’s adoption practice offers the expectant parents the heavy responsibility of picking parents, the first parents often don’t have enough real information to make an informed choice.

I felt it was important to share Mary Anne’s wise words with you because right now, everyone is probably very busy telling you what’s best for you and your baby. I hope that you can keep that kind of advice in perspective, and realize that no one can truly predict what the future holds. When it comes to “the right thing,” it’s just not always possible to tell. Choosing whether or not to parent your baby can be very much a leap of faith.