So, I received my first request for a topic. The question was in relation to my post on Broken Promises.

“I wonder if you'd be willing to write something about how important it is for birthparents to honor their commitments to open adoption. As often as I see people talking about adoptive parents going back on contact, I also sometimes see people talking about birthparents who disappear or fall out of contact. I'd be really interested in hearing what birthparents/expectant parents think about the commitment of open adoption and what their commitment is about contact.”

Actually, my original article did address this situation, but not in great detail, because the simple fact is, it’s usually the adoptive parents who break the pact of openness. Nevertheless, my reader is correct in that birthparents can and do drop out of sight. Why is this?

When birthparents fall out of contact, it is most likely because they misunderstand what open adoption is. They think visits are a privilege being granted to them due to the benevolence of the adoptive parents, and not part of their lifelong responsibility to their child. They see contact as a perk, rather than a way to ensure that the child feels as much love and security as possible, and never goes without answers.

When you bring a child into the world, you owe it to them to be there when the child needs you. You may not be doing the parenting, but you still owe your child many things, such as answers, and love, and as much emotional support as possible.

Another big reason birthparents drop out of contact is that open adoption is not yet accepted by mainstream society. The general public thinks it is a terrible idea for birthparents to stay in the picture. Ask any average Joe and he will tell you that open adoption is “confusing” to the child. Uninformed people are constantly telling birthparents that they should get lost and stay lost. When that’s all you ever hear, is it surprising that some birthparents eventually take this view to heart and drop out of sight?

There is also the problem of self-esteem. Many women relinquish simply because they have such low self-esteem; they think they aren’t good enough for their child. Then the act of surrender deals another major blow to their self-image. And finally, society chimes in with the “Who do you think you are? Certainly not the REAL mother” line of reasoning, discussed above.

Last but not least, openness is hard, hard work. It is frankly much easier to walk away and not look back than to struggle through personality differences with the adoptive parents, or undergo the heartbreak of leaving after a visit, or to see your child sick and not be the one in charge of making them better. Open adoption keeps the fact of your birthmotherhood continually in your face, rather than letting you escape from it at times.

To help counteract society’s negative thoughts on contact, and to bolster birthparent self-esteem, it is up to adoptive parents to express the following ideas, loudly and frequently:“We want you around. We need you to help our mutual child. Our child needs to know you, and will benefit from your ongoing presence.”

If welcomed in, and reassured in this manner, most birthparents will see the light and stay in the picture.