November 18th, 2011
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heartSomeone asked me along time ago why I chose adoption.

For me it was as simple as a switch; on or off, right or wrong? It was also very complicated choosing which way to go, but eventually love found a way. I was in a pretty destitute situation at the time, living from hand to mouth. Basic survival was a fight both mentally and physically. Somewhere in the mess of my head, something said, “Wake up and smell the coffee then deal with it.”

So I did.

There are some people who say, “Adoption is an easy way out.”  To those, I would say some unkind words and make them regret they ever thought that. Why? Because it was losing a child, and the grief was unbearable at times. It was like I had torn my heart out of my chest, clawing through the layers of visceral muscle and just handing it over to the nurse. Ugly to think about isnt it?


I try not to, but the end result is the beauty from the ashes of our lives; forever changed. I look at how I have changed and transformed. I look at the struggles I have on a day to day basis, and thank God that my bio son doesn’t have to worry about that.

The how and why are simple, when it comes down to it. It was a sacrifice, that I chose to do, out of the deepest part of my heart and soul. It tore me apart, left me damaged and depressed for a long time. If not for the friends I had, some gone, some still here, who agreed to be my emergency ‘anytime I needed to talk’ people, it would have been a much longer healing process.

I have said this before, but I will say it again; Adoption is not always pretty on all sides of it, and all members of the triad have their struggles. As a birth-first mother though I can relate to that of those who felt the same way I did; scared, lost, afraid and alone.

Grief is hard, letting go is even harder. It’s when you wake up and realize there is something beautiful outside that bedroom door, past your cover-strewn bed, that is worth living and fighting for. The how and the why again, for the last time; I was able to get through it because of love. Love brought me back to life, and tore my life apart. Love scavenged and hurt me, yet love healed together a new heart, a braver me then I have ever thought capable of me.

It is in times of great stress that we find defining moments that change us forever. Phoenix was mine.

Love and Light,


Nellie J.

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