In my case, I did not even consider adoption an option until hearing of the open kind. The idea of traditional closed adoption—not being able to know where my child was or how he was doing—was unfathomable to me. I could not accept the idea of sending my baby out into the world without knowing where he was, who he was with, or if he was okay.
Open adoption seemed to solve this problem.

I can remember how the idea came up. My best friend gave me an article from Glamour magazine about a happy open adoption. I’d never heard of it before, but the idea made sense to me. My son wouldn’t have to wonder if I’d loved him—I would be there to tell him so. He wouldn’t have so many painful unanswered questions about “why”—he could just ask me. I wouldn’t have to worry about him falling into bad hands—I could pick his parents.

I wondered if this might be the solution to everything. It was only then that I began to consider relinquishment a possible choice.

Now, unlike some pregnant women, I knew enough to understand that open adoption was not co-parenting. I knew I wouldn’t be dropping by every week to check on my child. I knew I’d still be losing him, and giving up all my parental rights. But I had no idea what open adoption would feel like. I thought, "Maybe it feels easier. Maybe it hurts less."

I did not know how much I would want to see my son, or if I needed to figure that out up front. I thought perhaps we could work that out along the way. Since it was a private adoption with no counseling, there were no experts to tell us differently.

I also did not know if the agreement would be binding, but trusted in the goodness and honesty of the potential adoptive parents to keep their promises. I assumed that, because we liked and respected each other, everyone would behave according to plan, and that there would be no major difficulties.

Obviously, I have been surprised at what actually did happen, as many other men and women have been. Nevertheless, I still love open adoption and everything it stands for. I wish every one of them were conducted like this one. (Trouble with the link? Search for the Salon.com article, "Open Adoption, Broken Heart," by Dawn Friedman.)

Unfortunately, the hard truth is that they don't all go this well. That is why you should make your decision as if the adoption might eventually close down. Don’t make all of your choices based on the promise of openness, because that can disappear at any time. And don’t assume that open adoption is easier than closed adoption. In many ways, it is harder and more painful. As adoption expert Brenda Romanchik says, “The contact we have forces us to confront our loss. We don't do open adoption because it hurts less—we do it because it is what is best for our kids."

Despite what some may think, open adoption was not a trick invented by the industry to make more babies available for adoption. It should never be an enticement to surrender, but sometimes it plays out that way. Don’t let contact be the carrot. Hope for the best in your open adoption relationship, but make your ultimate decision based on much more than the promise of openness.