If 2009 is the year in which your baby will be born, I encourage you to start the year off on the right foot. How so? With your child in mind. Granted, you likely have your child in mind most of the time. But I encourage you to do so in a very proactive manner.
Whether you choose to parent or place your child for adoption, you will one day be faced with questions from your child. While some questions may not always have the perfect answer, you can do things now that will show your child that you always had his or her best interest in mind.
Journal, tonight and/or tomorrow, about the plans you are dreaming for your child’s future. Talk about anything and everything. Be honest about your misgivings about your ability to provide such things. Talk about why you are wishing those things in his life. Discuss how you love her even now.
And then?
Keep up with the journal. All year. As frequently as possible. Until your child arrives. And even thereafter. Your child will one day treasure your words as you make your way through this difficult time. Starting now, at the beginning of this brand new year, gives you a clean slate to work from and to write not only your story but your child’s story.
Beyond the added benefit of giving your child insight into this difficult time, it will likely help you sort through any tough questions or emotions that you are currently working through at this time. Writing has a way of doing that (trust me). You will come out of this journaling experience with much more insight into your own emotions as well. In the end, it is all very win-win.
But start tonight. Put this year behind you and the year of your child’s birth in front of you and go forward. You’re not alone!
hi, I am not foramlly a member of the “adoption triangle”, that is, I am ot a relinquishing parent, an adoptive parent, or an adoptee…but I am definitely part of the larger Civil Society affected by adoption and perhaps someone reading this list will want to connect.
the young adoptee to whom I refer here is my cousin, the biological daughter of my deceased first cousin “Joe.” she moved from California, where she was born and adopted, to Washington State as a fairly young child (maybe age 6 or 7? I’m not sure) with her adoptive aprents and two older sisters. she is now an adult.
briefly, with a few names changed for the time being, here is my connection with it all: I’m not formally a member of the adoption triangle; that is, not a
relingiuoshing parent, an adoptive parent, or an adoptee. but like
many people, my life intersexts with the issues around adoption in
many ways, and I have a great deal of empathy especailly for those
working on learning more about their roots and the events around their
own adoptions.
by the way, I read Ann Fessler’s book “The Girls who Went AWay” (oral
history of many relinquishing mothers between 1945 and 1970, with the
majority in the 190s and early 1960s) and I find it one of those
honest, gut-wrenching books that EVERYONE should read especially
before they get all glib about anything to do with adoption. (I
struggled with infertility for many eyars, finally had a baby in 1993
after 17 eyars of trying, and felt at that time that the issues around
adoption, relinquishemnt, and the pressures on birth mothers were too
great for me to want to be involved as a prospextive adoption parent.
very little about my view has changed.)
here’s a situation I find myself facing now; some of you who are more
directly involved in the adoption triangle may have some insight
into it.
my aunt, Eliza, died at the age of 79, nearly 8 years ago. some
of her papers and auido materials she made (she was a community
broadcaster who also self-published her memoirs and poetry ad had a small, devoted following) were stored at a university library about 90 miles south
of where we live. I have since picked up the tapes and given them
to a mutual friend awho is working with my aunt’s one surviving son
(who lives in another state)to digitize the tapes for acvess over the
Internet. the boxes of papers are in my possession, and probaby
will remain so for the duration of my life, (I’m in my early 50s and
in very good health, with a teenaged daughter living with me.)
I’m mulling over whether to try again to contact Eliza’s
granddaughter, Suzanne (her adoptive parents gave her another name)
my aunt had two granddaughters, one by each of her sons. The younger
of these girls was born to my aunt’s younger son, who was
developmentally disabled as was his then-girlfriend. Suzanne was
adopted by friends of friends of Eliza who lived in Santa Barbara,
and the adoptive family subsequently moved to the Pacific Northwest.
both birth parents (Joe and this then-girlfriend)had mental
diaabilities, and both are now dead – Joe died of cancer of the spleen
in December 2004, the birth nmom long before that. Suzanne is an adult
now, about 22 years old by my reckoning, which means she was also most
likely a legal adult at the time her birth father died.
Eliza stayed in contact with the aadiotive family as “granny” and
theletters between Eliza and Suzanne, whicha re part of the legacy
of papers I picked up last month, show a deep mutual affection.
ELizabeth wrote to Suzanne regularly, visited when she could, sent her
gifts, and received letters back in return: i have many of these.
it was one of the really difficult emotional issues of Eliza’s
last years. for whatever reasons, Eliza and her husband (who is also deceased – he lioved three week’s after Eliza’s death in 2001) were asked
to stay out of Suzanne’s life when Suzanne was a teenager. a few weeks
before Eliza died, she asked me to try one more time to contact
the adoptive family to see if Suzanne would like to speak with Granny before she
passed. Eliza left a portion of her small estate to Suzanne, and
my father (Eliza’s only sibling) as executor was in contact with them at that time.
I’m feeling that I’d like to contact Suzanne and
ask her if she would like copies of some of her letters and
drawings to and from Granny.
I know something of what went on bwtween the adoptive mother and
Eliza, and based on that knowledge, I’m not at all convinced that
it was Suzanne, who was about 11 years old at the time. ELiza, like nmost members of my family, was a person of strong opinions and based on Eliza’s account, her differences of perspective with Suzanne’s adoptive mother may have precipitated the exclusion.
these lettersI have are a testament to the bond of familial affection that DID
exist between Eliza nd
Suzanne.
my mother is againt my contacting Suzanne, and says that I’d
be “going against” the wishes of her adoptive parents, who felt Suzanne
needed to be protected from knowing much about her biological parents
and especially that they were developmentally disabled. I have said that
Suzanne is now an adult and that her adoptive aprent’s choices are of limited power, and that since her disabled biological father is dead, cncerns about his possible disruption (he had serious impulse control problems)are ratehr moot.
I have NO intention of pushing any knowledge she doesn’t
want on her (saying “hey, did anyone ever tell you your father was
retarded?”
is NOT my thing! nor is imposing myself on anyone as her “long lots
cousin” _ I’m simply trying to reunite a young woman with a connection
she may remember and even miss from her childhood, and honor a promise
I made to a deceased relative, Eliza.).I do feel that I should try
to make contact and
see if Suzanne wants the letters, to talk with a family member, or
anything like that. if not, she can ignore my letter, or write to me
politely to say she chose not to maintain contact with Granny and has
moved on with ehr life,, or whatever she wants.
it’s kind of a responsibility, and I’m, trying to carry it lightly.
the rest of my life (job, family, pets, writing, home and community
responsibilities) keeps me very busy/ your thoughts are appreciated
if you wish to share.
my thanks, Judith