This one may be controversial, but here goes.

When birthmothers think and talk about their adoption decision, one especially touchy area is the notion of "carrying someone else's child." Birthmoms seem to be divided between those who see their relinquishment as part of a grand plan, and those who view it as more practical, i.e., the best solution that could be made at the time.

Some women feel strongly that they were never meant to be the parents of their child, and that their purpose was to serve as a vessel or agent for creating the adoptive parents' family. Other women do not like to think of themselves as (essentially) borrowed wombs. These women feel that the adoption came about as a result of doing the best they could with a tough situation, but don't believe that they were pre-ordained to give up their child.

I think this difference of opinions basically comes down to where you start from, in terms of your essential philosophical or theological viewpoint. How much do you believe in free will, and how much do you believe in a hidden hand orchestrating events? These are big questions to struggle with.

Adoptive mother Rosie O'Donnell once said that God put her babies in the wrong women's tummies. That line of thinking infuriates me. I believe in God, too, but I also believe that God doesn't make mistakes, or allow pain and suffering just to provide joy to another. (For me, that gets too close to the state of affairs detailed in Margaret Atwood's excellent novel, The Handmaid's Tale.) But others have different beliefs, which I can respect.

The reason I bring this up is that I think it's hard to make a truly informed decision for adoption if you start out by assuming that your purpose is to create a family for someone else. While you may certainly come to believe that in hindsight, if you begin from that point, you aren't really making a decision at all. You are merely playing a role in a script. And if your opinion later shifts, the regret and grief will be that much worse for you.

This is why I'm so adamant about claiming your motherhood while you are pregnant. You may eventually entrust this role to someone else, but during the time you are pregnant and making decisions for your unborn baby (and make no mistake--adoption is a parental decision, probably the most serious you will ever make), you need to remain in the driver's seat. I don't mean that you should ever deny your religious or spiritual beliefs, but I would encourage you to also acknowledge your own control over events.

As my friend and birthmother activist Brenda Romanchik has said, "You can't give up what was never yours." If you're entrusting your baby to another family, do it consciously and take full responsibility.