A continuation from the last post...

And then there are the moments that are not crushing, but more disturbing or annoying, such as:

--Hearing the many adoptive parents in my office talk about their children and the adoption process, while never acknowledging the existence of people like me (or worse, making derogatory comments about birthfamilies). All parents are justifiably proud of their kids, so again, I do not begrudge adoptive parents their pride. It’s what they say, and how they say it, that matters. Whenever it’s insensitive, I always want to speak up and say, “Hey, I am a part of this, too—why do you ignore me and people like me? If you knew that I (a colleague you respect) was one of Those Women, would you still talk that way?” But, knowing the awkwardness it would cause, I never do.

--Any television show that depicts birthparents as toothless hicks who are both dumb and manipulative at the same time. An example: I can remember watching the Sex and the City finale with a bunch of girlfriends. The last episode has a pretty negative depiction of a couple considering surrender. I hated how quiet the entire room when that scene came on. My friends knew how it would make me feel, and they were upset that our favorite show was slamming people like me. Here, I imagine a kinship with homosexuals, who must feel awful when a stereotype is broadcast. (But I actually think that gay people are ahead of birthparents in terms of social acceptance and understanding.)

--Picking out greeting cards, and never being able to find one that fits. Just yesterday, I saw a very cute Halloween card with a ghoulish mummy on the cover. I knew C. would like the image – but then I opened it up and it said, “I want my mummy!” We all know how inappropriate it would be if I sent something like that.

Likewise, I can never even look at any cards that say “Son,” (even though that’s how I think of him), because that’s another hot-button issue. Standing in a card shop trying to pick out a simple greeting can sometimes make a birthparent feel very depressed indeed.

So, there are a few instances of small daily struggles in the life of one birthparent. I hope this doesn’t come across as whiny or complaining; I certainly understand that any life choice has unpleasant consequences, and that all people go through moments like these. My goal in sharing these examples is to help pregnant women and their partners know what kind of feelings they might encounter in daily life, should they ultimately become birthparents.