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As you continue to consider an adoption plan, different topics come up as to what you are looking for in a family for your child. For many, religion or the lack thereof happens to be a key factor in the final decision. It’s interesting to me that religion plays such a key role considering the fluctuation that can exist in a person’s or family’s belief system.
Some expectant parents want their child to be raised in a family that subscribes to their beliefs. They want their child to attend the same kind of church that they attended while growing up. Some get as specific as to require the same denomination. Similarly, some expectant parents are seeking parents who identify as atheist or agnostic, either because they were raised that way and that’s what they believe or because they no longer believe in the system in which they were raised. For some of these parents, the religion question and answer is the make-or-break deal of choosing a family.
And that can be dangerous for their relationship in the future.
Why? While changing a religion isn’t as easy as changing the style of one’s hair, it happens. One of my birth mother friends found out after she reunited with her son that early in his childhood his parents had converted to a religion that she was not familiar with and, ultimately, not comfortable with. If you’re considering an open adoption, how would that make you feel if the adoptive parents called you up and said, “Well, we’re now X religion.” Or, “We don’t believe in God anymore.” Or any variation thereof. Would you be devastated? If it is your make-or-break deal, would you be able to cope with such a huge change?
I ask you these questions knowing that no one group is exempt from changes in faith. Things like death, severe illness, financial hardship and even good, quality life changes can make a person think, “Why is it that I believe what I do? Is there a better fit?” You, as an expectant parent who might place your baby for adoption, are not exempt either. Next year, five years from now or twenty years from now, you may (or may not) feel differently about your beliefs as they are today.
So what’s an expectant parent to do? Do you place and risk you child being raised a different religion in the end? Do you parent and realize that if you change your mind at least you’re the one doing the changing and not someone else? I don’t actually have the answers. I only bring this subject up so that you may further delve into what is and is not important in your own search for a family for your child. Asking these questions of yourself and of potential families will help create understanding and foster an on-going dialogue over the years should you choose to place. If you refrain from asking these questions of a family, not knowing the answers could either eat at you for years or shock you when the answers are finally learned. If religion is one of your key points, please make sure to have the discussions early and often.
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