Sandra, I like your thoughts here.

One thing that happens sometimes, though, is that when you're feeling down on yourself because you're unexpectedly pregnant, you can take the approach of looking for parents who are the exact opposite of you. In other words, "If I'm so darn unsuitable as a parent, I'll find someone nothing like me."

Obviously, this turns out to be terrible for open adoption relationships. Not that it can't be done, but it's much, much harder to have a lifelong relationship with people who have little in common with you.

It is so important to do what Sandra says and remain true to yourself when choosing parents, because your personality traits and talents very well may be replicated in your child. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you and your gifts aren't worthwhile.

In my opinion, you get to ask whatever you darned well please. If music is important to you and you'd like your child to be exposed to as much as possible, find out how the prospective adoptive parents feel about music ... what they like, how much they listen to, if they play instruments, etc. If you think life has no color without art, ask if they have art in their home, if they visit galleries and museums, if they paint or sculpt or draw. If you worry that TV rots the brain, inquire into into family viewing habits. If sports are a big thing, see if they're fans.
If something is important to you, it's important. Ask away.

That's heartbreaking for all of you, Heather. If I could make a wish here, I'd wish for your son to have your strength, as well as your talents.

It is so important that mothers understand that it may turn out that the only things they can give their child ... aside from life, of course ... are their gifts and their choice. It's a well-informed choice that allows the gifts to blossom.

The parents I had choosen for my son were nothing like me. I worked with the amom and knew she would be a TERRIFIC mother. But, when I was second guessing my adoption decision, my coucellor had me right a pros and cons list. All of a sudden all these things that were important to me started coming to my head and I relized these things weren't important to the aparents. Such as I'm kinda a health food freak, and a vegetarian. I love our mother earth. It came to me that, I'd be planting trees for the ones they cut down.
Another point that proves making the final adoption decision shouldn't be done until the child is born. It's amazing how the presence of the baby can change the whole outlook of his/her future.
I agree with Heather's last statement..
It is so important to do what Sandra says and remain true to yourself when choosing parents, because your personality traits and talents very well may be replicated in your child. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you and your gifts aren't worthwhile.

Yep.

(By the way, I went back and took out some of the content that was too personal to be posted publicly. As always, gotta consider the feelings of everyone involved in this adoption.)

Understandable. Keep in touch.

Great comments guys! I agree with what you said Heather about birthmothers choosing the exact oppisotes of themselves. In my head when I was thinking of adoption during pregnancy, I thought I wanted a family totally different than me or my family, but then I realized I wanted one that was "real" and more like me. And that's what I ended up choosing.

I'm not a mother! You are all right, the expectant mother is functioning as an adoption agency, she needs to know all of the information that she needs to know. It would seem obvious that it would include the home study. That only covers the questions that the agency thought were important. Mom may very well have other important considerations.

One problem area, the questions are also being considered by the potential adoptive parents. If the Mom comes across as really abrasive or intrusive or control oriented, beyond what seems reasonable, a really great potential family may decide to back away. Ask, but ask with care, and try to get a third party to help construct the questions.

Experienced parents adopting older children are constantly reading the questions and reactions from the child's worker to evaluate how much they feel they can trust this person and how well they will be able to work with them. Mom is the child's worker. John