(My apologies for being so terrible about updating this blog this week. The excuse is that I've been travelling, and time has been very scarce.)



How close should you become to the prospective adoptive parents before your baby's birth? There is no easy answer to this question. Even the experts don't agree. Just take a look at these varied points of view. (Trouble with the link? Just go to birthpsychology.com, the home page of the Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health. Then find the section on adoption, entitled "The Birth Scene.")

What these people are responding to is an interview between Dr. Marcy Axness and Nancy Verrier, author of the controversial book, The Primal Wound. In the interview, Axness (who grew up in an open adoption) and Verrier (an adoptive mother) are discussing why they feel it isn't right for those in crisis pregnancies to become too close to the potential adoptive parents. Their major objection is that it encourages expectant mothers to emotionally distance themselves from the pregnancy, thus depriving babies of the chance to feel the love of their original mothers while in the womb. They also believe that when the lives of the pregnant mother and the hopeful adoptive mother become intertwined prior to delivery, the potential for coercion skyrockets, since the pregnant parents feel a strong sense of obligation to make the prospective adoptive family's dream of parenthood come true.

I can vouch for both phenomena being real, since both things played out in my own experience. Does this mean it happens in every adoptive relationship? No. However, it is common enough that many adoption experts are worried about the trends toward pre-birth matching, forming ties between the two different types of mothers during the pregnancy, and the issue of prospective adoptive parents being in the delivery room.

It's a delicate balance between allowing people who respect and love each other to get started on their lifelong relationships as soon as possible, and making sure that vulnerable women are not pressured into relinquishing. If one side has to suffer at the expense of the other, though, I'd place the limitations on the first group. Postponing an open adoption relationship for a few months (until after the baby is delivered) would be a small price to pay to ensure that no woman is ever again guilt-tripped or coerced into giving up her baby. Families who honestly want and need an adoption to happen can catch up, but a woman who surrenders against her better judgement does not have the opportunity to go back in time.

It is very common for pregnant women to become overly excited about the relationship they are forming with the adoptive mother-to-be, to the extent that she forgets about her own wants and needs, and/or those of her baby. Why does this happen? For one thing, the adoptive mom may be the only one communicating good feelings about the pregnancy to the woman in crisis. She may also be providing much-needed love and affection. It's hard not to try to please someone who is giving you positive feedback.

And let's not forget, the pregnant woman often has no real idea how she will feel about her motherhood until it arrives, so she is often willing to step back and turn over the reins to the adoptive mom. When the pregnant mother "checks out" and begins to think of herself as "not a mother," she prematurely surrenders her own parenthood. When, during and after birth, the powerful feelings of new motherhood kick in, she may find she's made a mistake. But she now realizes she's made too many verbal commitments to attempt to claim her own child, even if she wants and needs to. How can she deeply hurt the people she's come to like or love? Better to push her own feelings deep down and just stick with the plan. (That's easier than you might think, since she's already been well primed for the idea of "noble sacrifice.")

That is why some believe that adoption professionals ought to discourage any matchmaking between parents in crisis pregnancies and parents who wish to adopt. And that is how they do it in Australia.

Here in the United States, we need to devote more thought to whether we ought to discourage early-forming relationships in adoption, in order to completely avoid the possibility of coercion and lifelong regrets.