I want to expand on an idea I’ve touched on earlier: the importance of staying true to yourself, and not making choices solely in order to make others happy.

During my own crisis pregnancy, I felt like I’d been a "bad girl," and wanted more than anything to return to my "good girl" status. (Before I became unexpectedly pregnant, I was pretty much a super-achiever: straight A’s in college, great jobs, homeowner, world traveller. I'm not saying I was perfect, or even close, but I generally tried to do things the “right” way, and to excel as much as possible.)

When I wound up pregnant outside of a relationship, all this came crashing down. Everyone seemed to be looking at me and thinking, “What a screw-up.” I felt like a failure.

But the minute I began considering adoption, the accolades began to come back. People praised the maturity and “selflessness” of the decision, as if it were already a done deal. (Meanwhile, I wasn’t at all sure that adoption was what I wanted). They gushed about how good I was to make an infertile couple’s dream come true. (Of course these very opinionated people, after you really do relinquish, are often the exact same ones to tell you how foreign your actions seem to them. They'll say, “Why did you do that?” or “I could never give my baby away” or "You don't give up on family.")

As soon as I began to get positive feedback for my tentative adoption plan, I got sucked farther into it. Praise bred deeper commitment. I began thinking of myself as a birthmother, even though I wasn't yet.

When I talked to prospective adoptive couples and heard their desperation, I took on the savior role. When I saw how I would be changing their lives for the better, I took on the responsibility to fix their problem.

There was so much fuzzy-headed talk floating around--words like gift, and angel, and dreams. I felt like pregnant old me was morphing into the ultimate Santa Claus. (How ashamed I feel in hindsight, recalling that I viewed my own son as anyone's "gift." What was I thinking???)

But it wasn't just hopeful parents I was trying to help. I also felt that choosing adoption would repair my own family’s tarnished view of me. At that point, my baby represented a problem, a situation that intensely worried them, and I needed to fix that. I couldn’t see far enough ahead to know that they would love and welcome their grandchild once they actually met him.

I became a people pleaser, bent on doing what would make other people happy. I stopped listening to myself.

This thought is echoed by Jennifer, a birth mother from Nashville, Tennessee, who has a semi-open adoption with her six-year-old birth-son. When I asked her what she’d tell women in crisis pregnancies, here’s what she said:

"Be assertive. This is a time where you should not try to please others, whether counselors, parents, friends, prospective adoptive parents, etc. Ask plenty of questions of single moms and birthmoms. Create a list of pros and cons for parenting and placing, and allow yourself to move between options. Don't assume that all crisis pregnancy centers have your best interest at heart. Only you know what is best for you and your child."

Jennifer is so right. When you are pregnant, you need to stand up for yourself, no matter how low you feel. Don’t try to fix other people’s problems. Don’t seek approval from lawyers or social workers or hopeful adoptive parents. Don’t assume that choosing adoption will make your family forgive you for the crisis pregnancy. Most likely, it will only bring on a new set of challenges for your family.

The bottom line: it isn’t your responsibility to make other people happy. Ignore what other people want, and try to think only of you, the expectant father, and the baby you are having together.