(continued from previous post)

Basically, birthparents in open adoptions are dependent upon the goodwill and continued commitment of the adoptive parents. In that sense, OA puts you in a highly subservient position, given that you must abide by the adoptive parents’ wishes, even if they don’t coincide with your own. At times, this can be one of the more uncomfortable parts of living out an open adoption.

Now, the adoptive parents in my audience may protest, because sometimes it does work the other way. I have talked to some very sad and bewildered adoptive parents who truly believed in the principles of open adoption, and trusted that their child’s birthfamily would always be there, only to have the birth family decide that contact was too painful to maintain. So remember—if YOU agree to an open adoption, you can’t skip out, either. You have made a promise to your child, and you will hurt your child and the adoptive parents if you fail to live up to your promises.

Frankly, I believe it’s not every person who is mature, wise and loving enough to handle an OA relationship. And I have come to believe that this is why many of them break down. Many pre-adoptive parents agree to them because they think they have to in order to “get” a child. Many birthparents agree to them without knowing or understanding all the implications.

As negative as this situation sounds, I still believe strongly in open adoptions, and I have seen some reason for hope. Sometimes people manage to work through situations like this, and closed-down adoptions do get back on track. (This doesn’t negate the pain of the shutdown, however.) Here’s one good book about how to open a closed adoption: How to Open an Adoption: A guide for parents and birthparents of minors, by Patricia Martinez Dorner.

This goes back to the point you’ve heard me hammer on quite often: it’s not a good idea to place based on any one reason. If openness is the only reason you are going through with an adoption, please be aware that your sole reason for placing could evaporate. Make sure you’re choosing adoption for some other reason than the promise of contact.