A recent post on Dr. G’s excellent Adoptive Parenting blog reminds me that I need to make sure you understand one very important fact:

In general, open adoptions are only open so long as the adoptive parents want them to be.

What do I mean by this? Well, it's a legal thing. There are just a handful of states where OA agreements are put in writing and may be enforced or upheld in a court of law. In the vast majority of states, open adoption arrangements are not recognized. So if you’re on the birthfamily side of the triad, and the rules are changed on you, you’re out of luck.

I have been a birthmom for almost eight years now, and I’ve been involved in adoption reform almost as long. Each and every day I get a number of very sad calls and e-mails from women who do not know where to turn, because their formerly open adoptions have closed down. They feel rejected, shocked, and devastated, because they have now lost their child a second time. Often matters are complicated by the fact that these birthparents have additional children who know and love the relinquished child as a sibling—and now those kids are left grieving and confused as well.

When you go into an open adoption, you have to accept that rejection can happen at any time. The promises made beforehand are not something you can count on. People change, and in this type of relationship, it’s the adoptive parents who have most of the power. You have to be aware that things can shift. Even those who have had terrific, reciprocal, ongoing relationships—I’m talking “the best of the best” in terms of open adoptions—can find themselves suddenly out in the cold. I’ve seen it happen.

You as a birthparent may have gotten very comfortable with your extremely healthy, friendly OA relationship, but it's difficult to fully trust it—because unless you live in one of those enlightened states that uphold these agreements, your arrangement is always theoretically in jeopardy.

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