Blogger’s Note: It is not my intent with this post to create a “pain game” amongst birthmothers of varying degrees of openness in their adoption situations. We all have pain and I recognize that and don’t think it is necessarily easier for one birthmother over the other. I do however, wish to analyze, how at times open adoption maybe portrayed as having little pain to expectant mothers considering adoption.

Have you noticed on agency websites, brochures, adoption websites, etc at times paint open adoption as a rosy picture? That it’s almost as if they are saying, “If you choose open adoption, you will have little or no pain.” That getting to see your child is a compensation for the loss of your motherhood? I think that in unspoken words, they may be giving the impression to expectant mother who choose open adoption, choose parents for her child, receive updates and pictures, and/or get to see him or her grow up over the years, that there is little pain involved.

I do have an open adoption, so don’t know what it is like to not see my child, but there are times that seeing him is so hard, so painful that I do think about what it might be like if I didn’t see him so frequently. I would never stop the visits, I feel they are in my son’s best interests and that is why I chose open adoption in the first place, but I don’t want any of you expectant mothers out there considering open adoption under the impression that there is no pain involved.

I still hurt and grieve just like any other birthmother. I hurt when I see him and have to say goodbye. I hurt on his birthday and through out the year because I am not the one preparing his birthday cake, filling his stocking, etc. I hurt when I hear him call someone else mother. I hurt when I see the close relationship between him and his sister. I hurt that I do not know all his likes, dislikes, and personality characteristics as I do with the son I parent.

The main point of this post is to dispel the sometimes used impression that open adoption has little to no pain involved. I am fortunate and glad that I am able to be a part of an open adoption but I think, regardless of the type of adoption you choose there will be pain involved as you grieve the loss of mothering your child.