When I was a little girl, I never dreamt I would become pregnant and place a child for adoption. I didn’t understand until I saw the caseworkers walk out the hospital door with my newborn son Phoenix, the finality of my decision. It was heartbreaking and for awhile I struggled with where I was in that. The great part of my story, the part I reflect on when times are hard is the perfect family he became a part of.
I didn’t have a family picked out. He was going to a foster family, whom I knew nothing about. When I met the foster mom, I asked her how my baby was doing. When she replied, I was blown away by her authenticity, and love. Not only did she love him, as I wished I could of, she loved him as a mother. I could see it, and hear it in her eyes. How one child changed all our lives so, still brings a shocked smile to my face.
We’ve had our ups and downs, our bumps in the road, mostly concerning figuring out how to go about an open adoption. We didn’t have a set plan but when things occurred things were handled with the same loving care that led me to choose them as his parents.
Quickly, kindly, and to the point.
Through the last 2 ½ years, through every holiday and birthday, I have been blessed beyond measure with the knowledge of how wonderful he fit into this family I chose. When the adoptive parents and I met, and the more we met, talked and opened our lives to one another, I found that in choosing them, he had been given what I had wanted for him from the start: the best. Siblings, a solid two parent Christian family, and love assured beyond measure.
That’s not to say that I didn’t go through my own heartbreak. I can remember experiencing postpartum psychosis post birth/hospital and hearing him cry, being so depressed that there was days I didn’t go far from the TV, or my bed. I have struggled to get where I am today, where I can speak on my adoption experiences openly.
My scars aren’t on the outside but in my heart and they have begun to heal. Through the promise of how God has loved me through each and every situation, through the darkest moments I have come to a place of being secure in myself. Having the Adoptive family there was a huge process in this healing, and they were and are so very understanding.
So, wherever you are in the adoption process, whether considering, a parent, or birthparent, know that the good will outweigh the bad, and that because of this choice you are making, you will be so strong, and that you birthparents out there : you are not alone.
All My Love,
Written by: NJ