September 1st, 2011
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nellieIt truly amazes me as I look back, how much one child changed me life forever.

After receiving pictures in the mail from the adoptive family today and secluding myself into my room I really looked at them. As tears slipped down my cheeks my only thought was this:

Does he know how much he is loved?

I may not be an immediate part of his life, but I am the one who carried him for 9 months, and held him as my own for four days , when he was really never mine to begin with. I loved him for our four days, with such depth that I lost sleep, just to squeeze every minute out of the hospital experience. I loved him, and continue to love him beyond myself, wanting the best…

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And the pictures only showed me how right I was in choosing him to be a part of the family he was fostered by. Pictures of him with his siblings, Disney world, and Phoenix(my bio son) just being himself. Bright, cheerful, and full of joy.

I don’t regret, nor look back in fear but in the peace of Jesus Christ knowing I was able to be used to be a vessel for someone  else’s  son.
Pictures are great, but I still wonder what he is like. I have seen him on his birthdays and heard his voice once on the phone.

Every day I think of him. No day passes without him in my heart, stray thoughts passing through my mind, wondering what he is doing. Every day, I hope he reflects the love I have for him, even at his young age.

I used to say to my oldest son (not adopted) when I was pregnant that I wasn’t sure if I could love my bio son too, because Nick, my oldest, filled my heart so much. Like the Grinch, from the Grinch who stole Christmas, my heart felt like it doubled in size, for the both of them.

There is no question in my heart that I did the right thing, and both my children are blessed.

Make no mistake, It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t the easy way out. It was the hardest, most painful yet most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.

So back to the original question with a twist:

Does he know how loved he is by me?

No, but hopefully in a few years, he will.

Love, N.J

Artwork by: Nellie Jenkins

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