The other assumption I’ve made, which isn’t always accurate, is that you are not yet a birthmom. Some women relinquish two children in a row, maybe even three or more.

I confess I sometimes have difficulty imagining what this must be like. Take all the grief and shame associated with losing one child, and then multiply it. It must be horrible.

Part of the reason these situations are so painful is that they represent a highly unsupported loss. There is even more of a stigma attached to multiple relinquishments than to one. People wonder why a woman "can’t get it together" or why she keeps "repeating her mistake." Birthmothers in general do not receive a great deal of sympathy, support or understanding from society, but "multiple" birthmoms receive far, far less. And they are the ones who need it most, since no one would go through the trauma of relinquishing more than once unless she were experiencing serious problems and a lack of support.

A special issue that these women face is juggling that many more additional relationships. If the children are all placed in the same adoptive family, that is one thing. But if not, there are so many more factors to consider: different levels of openness, varying levels of goodwill in relations with the adoptive parents, or different levels of well-being and happiness among the kids. (These inequities can lead to jealousies or other problems.) If the children have different birthfathers, a birthmother must negotiate those relationships, too. And there is the matter of siblings being separated by adoption, which is never an easy thing. The kept (raised) children struggle with it, as do all the surrendered children.

Finally, there are that many more birthdays and anniversaries on which to grieve. In short, every problem or struggle a "typical" birthmother has is faced several times over by women who repeat their relinquishment experience.

Even birthmoms, who are supposed to be understanding of each other, aren’t always sympathetic to women in this situation. That’s a real shame. Luckily, I can think of one great place to get support. The Lifegivers Festival is a weekend retreat for birthparents held in Michigan, organized by Brenda Romanchik, a birthmom and open adoption activist. Scholarships are available. For more information on this annual gathering, you can e-mail Brenda at brenr@openadoptioninsight.org.