In my blog thus far, I’ve generally written as if I assume two facts:

• that this will be your first child


• that you have not previously relinquished a baby

But unplanned pregnancies come in all varieties, so I want to acknowledge that these things may not be true for you personally. Part 1 of this post will talk about relinquishing a second or subsequent child. Part 2 will talk about multiple relinquishments.

While most women who are considering adoption are first-time mothers, this is by no means always the case. Perhaps the reason you are considering adoption is that you are overwhelmed with one or more children already at home, and you wonder if it would be advisable, or even possible, to provide for another. Or maybe the pregnancy is the result of an extramarital affair, or rape, or some other negative situation that makes you wonder if you will have the emotional ability to raise this child.

Because you already know what it is like to give birth and be a mother, you probably don’t have any illusions about how tough—and how rewarding—motherhood can be. You're also already familiar with labor and delivery, the powerful feelings of love you will have for your baby, and how the experience of having a child can change you and your life’s priorities.

But that doesn’t mean you also know what it will be like to surrender your child. Even if you think know exactly what you will be giving up, you may still vastly underestimate your grief. I’ve known plenty of birthmoms who surrendered a child after raising one or more at home. By and large, they are still utterly surprised by how painful it is to give up a baby, and how adoption affects their entire life, and those of their kept children.

My point is this: as an experienced mom, you will have less imagining to do than a woman who has never before given birth, but you will still need to take into account that there are things you can’t possibly imagine until you live them. That's why, even as a "mom in the know," you should still do some reading and research, and talk to plenty of people who are living with adoption.