Motherhood: the good and the bad

Here’s a very funny article from Salon.com, “Mommie Fearest,” ”about the phenomenon of impending motherhood. (You may need to watch a short ad in order to view the article for free.) The author, Salon’s trash TV critic Heather Havrilesky, is just four weeks away from delivery, and she’s obviously had it up to here with the doomsday-focused naysayers who warn her how little fun motherhood is going to be. Why else would she mock them so relentlessly?

A sample:

“Of course I’ll try my best to do everything I’ve been told — I’ll try not to “overthink” breast-feeding but will aim to achieve a “good latch,” I’ll try to pump early and often, I’ll nap when my baby is napping, I’ll make my husband change every single diaper and walk the baby in a million little circles, I’ll treat motherhood as my brand-new, overtime, around-the-clock job, I won’t attempt to vacuum or shower or pay bills, I won’t guilt myself into thinking I should be back at work prematurely — but even so, I’m told that I’ll feel angry and sullen and overwhelmed. I’ll cry over nothing, or over the fact that there’s a lamprey-like beast sucking my will to live straight out of my sore breasts.

Yes, just four weeks from now, if the predictions of my mother friends are accurate, I should feel like a total impostor, a crappy mom, a complete failure at my “new career,” but I’ll also be so spaced out and slow that I’ll wonder if I can ever return to my old career again. I’ll have to let my husband wash the lamprey, just in case I turn into Andrea Yates in a weak moment. I’ll be just like Brooke Shields was after her first baby was born, except that I’ll look like shit and I won’t have the energy to write a book about it — and even if I do, no one will buy it.

Heh. Ain’t it the truth? People tend to either glorify or demonize, and it’s clear that Havrilesky is well acquainted with the demonic choir.

I share this article with you because as an expectant mom yourself, you are likely hearing a lot of this kind of stuff right now. Some people are so anxious to make you consider the pitfalls of motherhood that they ignore the joys of it. Others can only focus on the sweetness, while completely ignoring the day-to-day reality, which ain’t always so great.

A more balanced view would be one that considers that being a mom involves good and bad, peaks and valleys, sacrifices and blessings. Whether you parent or surrender, you are going to have good times and bad. Whatever route you choose, it is not going to relieve you of that. (And I think by now, everyone know my opinion that the grief of surrender is large enough that you should think twice before assuming that giving up your baby is better than single motherhood.)

Yes, it’s important not to glamorize motherhood, but it’s equally important not to demonize it. It’s all a balance. In response to this article, an astute writer of a letter to the editor summed it up well, noting, “Children provide you with mind blowing highs and heart wrenching lows.” No matter what, “…you’ll need a few friends to share your joys and sorrows with.” Amen, sister.

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