January 31st, 2012
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For those who know, I am a birth-first mother who has experienced two unplanned pregnancies–one in adulthood and one in my teens. I have always had a “modus operandi”–a way of handling difficult things.

Something in common with both pregnancies–

I ran away from responsibility, didn’t face the truth of the situation and when things got tough I found a way to cope. I escaped into video games, and TV and decided to not face the change that would happen, whether I was ready or not.

With the first born, Kenny, I celebrated and my pregnancy was very public and I was unaware of what it would take to become a parent. I had a ton of people come visit me in the hospital, and my family even welcomed me back into the fold after rejecting me for being pregnant out of wedlock and *gasp* a teenager. Funny how a baby changes everything.

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Kenny was wanted, and I kept him. I loved him but for months I knew somewhere in my heart that he should have been placed. My mother was so latched onto him that I felt forced to do what I wasn’t ready and when I was forced to stand on my own feet as a young adult, I lost control and my life spiraled out of control. Parenting is hard–a blessing and if love could be all a child ever needed..well you understand, I think.

Fast forward to a 25 year old woman of a 7 year old son, loved beyond measure, and she falls in love, and gets pregnant. I thought I was sterile, thought it was impossible to get pregnant ever again.

I ended up homeless for a short while, and ended up moving in with my mother again. (disaster is spelled my mothers name, ha!) but this time, armed with experience and heartbreak over what was to come, I couldn’t face it. I made a decision to end my life when I had him, sign rights off and just exit this life. My emotions and life were in a tumble…

So what changed? As I wrote a note to all in my life I wrote one last line;

“Tell my children I love them.”

What a lie! My love would be worthless if I didn’t choose to live so a powerful phrase birthed from that moment–

“To live is to Love”

If love were all it took, who knows the path I would have taken, but I had to find a reason, an anchor to hold onto in the rocky times of my life. As a christian now, I anchor myself in Jesus, but that powerful reminder stays within me. I know where I came from, and today, I am who I am because I came through that fire, and out of what seemed a hopeless situation I lived.

People will have their thoughts on this post, and that’s ok. This isn’t for them–this is for you. I may not know your name, or your exact situation, but  know I understand how very difficult the decision you are about to make is. Sometimes we have to go through some very harsh experiences to get to that place where we find out just how very strong we are.

Hang on, hang tough–you can do this.

Love to all my readers,

Nellie J.

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