"I never wanted to be a mom before," I thought at the time. "I don’t think I have a maternal bone in my body." That must mean I ought to choose adoption—right?

What I’ve learned since is that “maternal instincts” don’t always make their appearance right away. Even women who’ve planned their pregnancies sometimes report feeling a little disconnected from the experience while pregnant, and must take some time to process and come to terms with the gigantic psychological and practical changes that becoming a Mom entails.

It’s difficult. We’re all taught that we should feel like Mary Poppins the minute we find out we’re pregnant, but it doesn’t always work that way. Quite simply, not everyone has their instincts kick in the moment the sperm meets the egg. For many mothers, even those who have no questions whatsoever about becoming a parent, the truly deep feelings for their child don’t appear until they actually meet their newborn baby.

In my case, it turned out that I was displaying some maternal instincts: buying nursery items for my son, beginning to create a room for him, reading to him out loud, dreaming about how I would parent, worrying about his future. But I wasn’t letting myself recognize or feel those instincts fully, mostly because of the shame, guilt and pressure that were overtaking my life. Instead, it was simpler to think “Oh, I wouldn’t make a good Mom.” That way I could easily go along with what everyone else in my life wanted, which was to place my baby for adoption.

(And of course it doesn't help the bonding process if you have outside voices--social workers, attorneys, and even pre-adoptove parents--strongly encouraging you to think of this as someone else's baby, not your own.)

Forget what everyone else is saying, and forget societal expectations of how you "ought" to be feeling. Instead, listen to yourself carefully. If you truly don’t want to be a parent now, you will know that. If you lack the ability or the resources to parent, that will become obvious to you, too. But if you are ambivalent, if you aren’t sure, if you have conflicting feelings, please take the time to sort them out. It may be that you are trying to tell yourself something.

Very few women have no maternal instincts. We just feel them at different times in our baby’s development. Becoming a mother represents a huge change in your life. It is natural to have complicated emotions about that fact.