If you are considering relinquishment and working with an adoption agency, I encourage you to look at some of the ways in which they are talking to you, about adoption and about your future. It can be overwhelming to come into a possible placement without knowing anything about adoption. Some agencies take advantage of that fact, hoping that you’ll take everything they say at face value. While there are some great agencies out there who offer you all of the information needed in able to make an informed decision, not every agency works in such an ethical manner. As such, it’s important for you to know a few things.
Some adoption agencies promote open adoption out the wazoo. Don’t get me wrong: open adoptions can be wonderful. In fact, I encourage anyone adopting domestically or placing a newborn to pursue an open relationship with their child’s other family in today’s adoptions. However, while most domestic agencies will talk about or even promote open adoption to their families, they don’t always give all of that Very Important Information. In fact, too many portray a semi-open adoption (pictures and letters) as an open adoption. While that option works for some, the agencies that neglect to tell expectant parents considering relinquishment that they can have more are the ones that are causing the most problem.
And so, a brief list:
1. If your agency is portraying open adoption as a way to avoid the grief and loss associated with relinquishment, they are not being honest with you. It’s been said by many a birth parent: open adoption is not a Band-Aid for pain. You will still miss your child. You will still have moments of doubt. You will still experience various cycles of grief as your child grows and accomplishes new milestones without you. Open adoption does not remove the pain of placement.
2. If your agency is not telling you the different levels of communication available to you and your child’s potential family, they are doing you all a huge disservice. The most-touted “pictures and letters” form of openness actually falls under the title of semi-open adoption. If they actually gave it the proper title, more expectant parents considering placement would ask the question, “If this is a semi-open adoption, what does an open adoption entail?” And then they’d have to tell you that you can have everything from regular visits to absolutely nothing and everything in between. What’s more is that there are potential adoptive parents who do legitimately want to have on-going relationships with their child’s birth parents. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.
3. If your agency is not telling you that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states, they’re most likely lying to you about something else and you should run for the hills. Or, of course, waddle in the general direction of the exit. The truth is that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states. As such, once you sign the Termination of Rights (TPR) in many states, you have no recourse if the adoptive parents change their last name and move to Zimbabwe. Knowing the laws of your state on this matter is vitally important if you desire an on-going relationship with your child. It is possible to have a successful open adoption in a state without legal binding contracts but it involves a discussion on this topic well before the birth and subsequent relinquishment.
These are, of course, important things to know if you’re also working on an independent adoption plan without the involvement of an agency. In the end, you should know that you have a right to say yes or no to a potential adoptive family if you agree or disagree with their views on openness. You can end a match if something doesn’t feel right or if you feel as though you are being lead on or blatantly lied to regarding the subject. Most of all, remember: there are families who understand the benefit any adoptive child will reap from on-going contact with birth family members. Hold out until you find one!
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