Interviewing prospective adoptive parents

Let’s say you’ve decided you want to pursue adoption. How on earth do you interview prospective parents for your child? It’s not one of those skills they teach in school.

Anyone would feel a little awkward and unsure in this situation, and you probably will too. Of course, the potential adoptive parents will feel the same. It isn’t easy for anyone.

You’ll probably have to meet many couples before you find one you “click” with. Once that happens, your discussions should feel more natural.

Apart from the obvious things, like chemistry and a good “vibe,” what should you look for? Ultimately, the specific questions you ask are up to you, but keep in mind that you’re trying to get an accurate sense of their lifestyle, their values and beliefs.

Here are some possibilities to get you started.

• Why are you choosing to adopt? Is this your first child?
• How were you raised? What were your own parents like?
• How does your extended family feel about this adoption?
• How and when do you plan to tell the child of his or her adoption?
• How do you define open adoption? What is your commitment to openness, and why? Are you willing to sign an agreement to that effect, and to seek mediation if things break down?
• What are your philosophies on raising children?
• How have you tried to educate yourself about adoption? What have you learned about adoption so far? Is there anything that’s particularly surprised you?

There are other questions you may want to ask further into the process, once you’re matched with a couple and know them a bit better.

• How do you work out marriage or family problems?
• What do you plan to name the baby? Do you plan to keep any part of the name I give my child?
• If my child is seriously ill or hospitalized, will you let me know?
• If something happened to you, who would raise the child?
• If this is not to be an open adoption, will you share my gifts and letters with the child, and tell him where they came from?
• If an open adoption, what will we call the various grandparents? What will I be called?

Don’t just go down this list of questions and read them robotically. Think seriously about your hopes and dreams for your child’s family, and personalize the questions. Make them your own.

If there is something that’s important to you, don’t be afraid to ask. Your child is counting on you to find a good match for him or her.

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