Today, I bring you the third and final part of my interview with a new birthmom, Jamie.


Coley: Describe your hospital experience? Were the adoptive parents there? Did you spend time one on one with your daughter?

Jamie: My birthmother advocate had me fill out a written hospital plan that I was to take with me to the hospital. It helped notify the hospital staff of my wishes during my stay during the hospital so that things would go smooth for me and make this uncomfortable time a little easier. I had written who I wanted in Labor and Delivery, who I wanted in my room after Lauren was born, if I wanted to hold her and feed her or not, etc… Labor and delivery was a little awkward in my opinion because I wanted the birthfather and the prospective adoptive mother in the room. I had mixed feelings about him being there and she was a stranger to me in so many ways. Anyway, the 2 of them helped me through my L and D experience and got to take pictures and hold Lauren right after she was born. But of course, that was after I held her first! She was 8lbs and 4 oz and 20 inches long! I was in awe of her. I felt so in love with this little pumpkin that had been kicking me in my ribs for the last few months. She was so beautiful. She had tan skin and a head full of black hair. When she made her first cry, I almost cried. After b-father, and adoptive parents and my mom held her I went to my room where I would stay the next few days. I tried to keep Lauren in my room anytime that the staff was not doing something with her. The A-mom and I wore armbands so that we could be the only ones to get Lauren from the nursery during our stay. During the night Lauren's soon to be parents stayed at a local hotel during the night and I stayed up and cared for Lauren. I fed her, changed her, held her and sang to her. Those moments just didn't seem like enough time to say hello and goodbye. I didn't get much sleep during my stay in the hospital because of lots of visitors during the day and me wanting to spend time with Lauren during the times that we had alone. But when I look back, I don't regret losing sleep to spend the time with her. I do wish sometimes that I had more time with her. Overall, my hospital stay was a good experience. Labor and delivery went smooth and I was not alone during the most of my stay.

Coley: Describe how the grieving period was for you. What helped you get through it?

Jamie: Well I must admit that I grieved the whole nine months over the loss of Lauren. I spent so many days crying like I was going to a nine month funeral. I knew in advance that it would be difficult to go through with everything. I knew the joys of motherhood that I would be surrendering even if I found the right parents for her. I had read the grieving material in advance but still had a hard time. I felt really alone. I felt as though no one understood my pain. Afterwards I was a wreck. I could hardly eat or sleep without crying. I think I was like that every day for 3 weeks straight. It was a lot more painful than I thought it would be. The things that have helped me through so far up to this point have been Grief share, BirthMom Buds, and an occasional visit with the counselor at the local CPC. I still have dreams and "what if" thoughts about the whole experience and am still grieving but not as much as I was in the beginning. I returned back to work 6 weeks after Lauren's birth.

For me right now the hardest part is realizing that I may always have some unresolved grief because I have an open adoption and with every milestone of hers, I am more aware of my loss of ever being her mother. I also have a hard time because at my job, I still have people ask me how she is doing not realizing that I don't see her at all. They say some really painful things sometimes that remind me of my loss. Like did I breastfeed or does her older sister adore her, etc.. But overall at this point, I can say "Thank God I didn't lose my mind" cause it’s been really tough.

Coley: I know you have only been a birthmom for a few months now, but do you have any advice or words of wisdom for others who may be considering adoption?

Jamie: This is one of the most important life changing decisions that you will ever make. Unfortunately you have to make it on current facts and not the future. Because we don't always know what the future holds. So weigh out your reasons and your support system carefully before placing. Adoption is not for everybody. Also please know that you are your baby's only mother until your relinquishment period is up. It differs from state to state. Please take the choosing of your baby’s parents seriously. Write down exactly what you are hoping for and do not settle for less. Spend as much time alone with your baby as you can in the hospital. You won't regret it. You can't get that time back once it’s gone. Please keep in contact with the adoptive parents if possible. For me it has been a comfort to know that she is doing well and is loved so much.

Coley: Thanks so much again Jamie, for sharing your story with us!

Part 1
Part 2