Today I am continuing my interview that I started yesterday in my interfamily adoption series with birthmother Michelle and her sister and adoptive mother Amanda.

Coley: Have you discussed the future? What Olivia will be told?

Michelle: She will always know she is adopted and that I am her birthmother. It will be further explained to her in detail in an age appropriate manner and we will answer any questions she has. This will not be treated as a family secret. My sister’s kids were at an age where they can reasonably understand adoption and what it meant. I will primarily have the aunt role as that is what I am to my sister’s other kids. They did however come up with a friendly nickname to use in place of my own name.

Amanda: I think Michelle and I have always looked at this at a joint venture. We are going to both provide Olivia with love and nurturing and hopefully the end result will be what every parent wants; a happy well adjusted child. We want Olivia to know more then anything that the adoption was not rejection but was decided out of love for her. Olivia will always know that she has two mothers that love her very much and we will each have a role in her life. I honestly and wholeheartedly believe Olivia will need Michelle as much as Michelle will need Olivia. And I get the really neat job of loving them both.

Coley: How do you think your adoption situation differs from that of other birthmoms you’ve talked with? How do you think it’s similar?

Michelle: I do feel that my adoption is different from most others because the person I gave my little one to was not a stranger. Most of the women I know who have given a child up for adoption have chosen not to place the child with a family member. It’s different because of the level of openness I have with my sister, but also the grieving I have to go threw involves two people. It is similar for the simple reason that I too gave my child to another in a full and binding adoption. I will, for the most part, watch her grow up in pictures (they live in another state), she will not call me mom. My loss is no more or less than any other birthmothers.

Coley: Do you have any advice for others considering or involved in interfamily adoptions?

Amanda: Yes, I do. Do not assume the relationship between yourself and the birthparents won’t change, it will. Adoption within the family changes the dynamic. My sister is my daughter’s birthmother and aunt. Expect there will be hard times, but also know that with love and devotion to one another and the child all things can be worked threw. We are very open about the adoption within our family and community; we are not ashamed of it. Our adoption has worked because of self-less love. I have never had to share a child with another mother before; it is something new and foreign to my senses. Olivia will need me as her mother, but Olivia will need something from Michelle that I will never be able to give her. I think by keeping in mind that Olivia is “our” daughter and not “my” daughter we have been able make our adoption work.

Michelle: Honestly what my sister said is perfect. I could not have worded it any better.

Michelle and Amanda both admitted that there is little support for those in interfamily adoptions. Amanda was even turned away from one adoptive mother support group because her situation was not “normal.”

Just as with any adoption, it’s a big and important decision and one that lasts a lifetime.

Thank you Michelle and Amanda for sharing your story with us!