If you want to read a really great article about what open adoption can be like, check out this story from The Washington Post. In the piece, entitled Open (Secret), reporter Liza Mundy follows the story of Hava Leichtman, a 26 year old woman who surrendered her son when she was 22.

Hava entrusted her child to other parents based on her mental illnesses (OCD, bipolar disorder, an eating disorder) and a lack of support from her baby’s father. As the story progresses, Hava goes through the emotions so familiar to pregnant women and birthmoms: indecision about surrender, crippling grief at the loss, anger and resentment toward the adoptive parents, fear of broken promises regarding contact, struggle with the difficulty of visits, ongoing sadness at birthdays and holidays.

As for the birth dad, Bruce, his behavior leaves a lot to be desired, which won’t do anything to improve the societal stigma against birthfathers. But the facts are the facts, and the reporter presents everyone in the story as three-dimensional people, complex in their motivations and actions. (Personally, I believe that part of Bruce’s reluctance to become involved may be his unacknowledged shame over the relinquishment.)

One of the best things about this lengthy piece is that the reporter understands, and communicates to readers, how fully and completely Hava loves her son. It is impossible to read this story and think that this woman gave up her baby due to lack of caring. My hope is that the article will open many minds about who birthmoms are, and teach people that our love for our children cannot be questioned. And because the reporter was careful enough to do a bit of research on ethical issues (supply and demand, socioeconomic forces leading to relinquishment, lack of enforceability for agreements to openness), people may be inspired to think more about these matters, too.

But to me, the reporter’s most outstanding accomplishment was correctly identifying the hardest part of open adoption. She puts it just beautifully, so I’ll let her speak for herself. For an open adoption to work, both mothers must “control and master what may be the world’s most powerful human emotion: the passion that is maternal love.”