The next step is to evaluate the alternatives. It’s important to note here that while there are only three choices at the big-picture level (abortion, adoption, parenting) there are many varieties of both adoption and parenting, and so there are many possibilities. Taking adoption as an example, you can seek closed adoption, open adoption, semi-open adoption, kinship adoption, and many shades in between. (And often, what you choose is not what you will actually get.)

Here are the steps to evaluate the alternatives.

1. Generate your list. What are the different choices available to you? Are you sure you’ve discovered them all?
2. Screen alternatives through your must-have list. Which alternatives meet your musts?
3. Compare alternatives against the wants. How well do the alternatives meet your wants?

Here’s how mine might have looked -

Alternatives:
1. Parent myself, with no assistance or involvement from my baby’s father
2. Parent myself, with emotional support and involvement from the father but no financial support
3. Parent myself, and hope that I got married later
4. Surrender to strangers who wanted a fully open adoption
5. Surrender to strangers who only want mediated contact
6. Surrender to friends of the family who hadn't identified what level of openness they wanted (this is what happened)
7. Parent for the first few weeks to try it, then consider surrender if necessary (I didn’t know this alternative was possible)

One of the reasons I wound up not parenting is that I had identified a two-parent home as an important want. I no longer feel this way, and I see now that the desire for a two-parent home was not really coming from me, but from my influencers. This is why it’s so important to separate your opinions from those of others as you make this decision.

While it’s fine and well to identify your alternatives, here again, you must acknowledge that with the adoption option, you will very likely not maintain the power to influence your musts and wants. For instance, if your child becomes ill, you may have an opinion on how she should be treated, but if the adoptive parents disagree, you’re up a creek without a paddle. In another example, you may have settled on a level of openness with the adoptive parents, but unless you live in one of the few states with enforceable agreements, again, you are up a creek.

If adoption is where you are headed, you must use this brief window of time that you still have some power to try to secure as many of your musts and wants as possible. But again, there are no guarantees.

Another thing to remember is that you may be working with professionals who are not revealing all your alternatives. For example, say you are working with an agency who moves you to another state and puts you up in housing while pregnant. They tell you that your expenses are paid as long as you surrender, but that you will have to pay them back for everything should you decide to parent. That takes your power away, and the decision is not a real one.

In my next post, I’ll discuss stage 3, assessing risks.