Recently the members of my department took a class in decision-making, where we learned to use an effective system for arriving at an answer. It’s called the Kepner Tregoe method. Although it may seem cold to apply a business framework to an emotional life decision, a system that works is a system that works.

There are four parts to this decision-making approach: clarify your purpose, evaluate the alternatives, assess the risks, and make the decision. I’ll go through those four and explain how they could be applied to the decision of what to do about an unplanned pregnancy.

The first one, clarify the purpose, may seem simple, but often the reason people make bad decisions is that they don’t really know what it is they’re trying to solve. That’s why you need to spend a lot of time at this stage. The questions to ask here are “What do I need to decide?” and “What am I trying to do?”

For example, is the decision between abortion, parenting solo, parenting with help from friends and family, parenting with the father, surrendering to adoption, or trying parenting and then surrendering if parenting seems too difficult? Or something else? What do you hope to achieve by making this decision?

Another relevant question to ask early on: When exactly does this decision have to be made? Will postponing the decision change your set of alternatives?

Also identify the stakeholders. Who are you trying to help? Are you trying to decide what is best for your baby, for you, for both of you, for your family, for your boyfriend or partner, or someone else? Are you trying to help hopeful adoptive parents? Are you trying to please counselors or other authority figures? Who is influencing your thoughts and feelings?

After you have clearly and succinctly stated your decision (example: By January 2008, I will decide whether to parent my baby or entrust her to a fully open adoption with ongoing, reciprocal contact), develop your objectives. What are the short and long-term benefits you hope to gain? For example, are you considering surrender because you want to obtain a college degree? Are there ways to obtain a degree without surrendering? Make a list of all your objectives, and identify the forces that influence each of them. When your list is complete, go back through and make them all as specific as possible. For instance, “continue my education” would become “obtain a bachelor’s degree in nursing by 2009.”

When you have your objectives, classify them into “musts”– things that are mandatory to you – and “wants.” A must might be that you are going to earn that degree, no matter what, while a “want” might be that you want a two-parent home for your baby.

As you are separating musts from wants, it should become obvious that some of your objectives are more realistic than others. Some of your “wants” will also be more important than others, so take the step of ranking them.

Looking back, my list of musts and wants might have looked like this:

Must: I will give birth to this baby.
Must: My son must feel loved and secure.
Must: I must know where he is and receive regular updates on his well-being.

Wants:
1. Want a two-parent home
2. Want parents I like and will be able to have a good relationship with
3. Want him to receive a strong education and parents who nurture his talents
4. Want a home with religious and social tolerance and a sense of intellectual curiousity
5. Want parents who are stable and reliable
6. Want them to live close enough that visits are possible

(Note: Musts should be non-negotiable – do not compromise in the decision making stage or allow yourself to be pushed into a situation. But keep in mind that there is a false sense of security in identifying musts and wants in adoption, because once the decision is made, you lose control and are no longer able to legally affect these outcomes. So while this is a good exerise, don't delude yourself into thinking that you yourself can make all this happen.)

In my next post, I’ll talk about stage 2, evaluating alternatives.