I recall when I was pregnant with Charlie, that many times I felt an internal tug of war between my head and my heart. A viscous battle and struggle between my head and my heart over the decision I had to make.

My heart was telling me to do one thing while my head was telling me another. My heart kept screaming, “You can not do this!” (meaning relinquishment and adoption.) My heart was reminding how much relinquishment would hurt and how painful it would be. All the while my head was saying, “This is the best thing for Charlie.” My head was continually reminding me that adoption was the best thing for Charlie, that parenting him was just not feasible at that time in my life.

Are you experiencing this? Do you feel an internal struggle between your head and heart? How do you know which one to listen to?

I think, sometimes it is really hard to know which one to listen to and at other times in our life it’s clear which one to listen to. Some people told me to always think with my head and my heart, but for me being an emotional person, often times that is hard to do. During my pregnancy and decision making process. There were times it felt like my heart was going to win, while other times I was certain that my head would win the battle. Ultimately, there was no winner in making an adoption plan, both my head and my heart were hurt, felt pain, and grieved the loss.

I don’t remember how I ultimately decided if I would listen to my head or my heart. I think at some point during my pregnancy my heart realized that although making an adoption plan was going to be one of the most difficult things I had ever done, it was the best decision for Charlie and my head realized that although it was the best decision, it was going to be a painful one.