A genuine open adoption involves ongoing, reciprocal contact between birth and adoptive families. It’s about preserving ties to the child’s original identity and heritage, and making sure the child can always get direct answers to questions about why he or she was "given up"—straight from the source. Kids who grow up in open adoption feel more grounded, have fewer doubts and fears about being “unwanted,” and have the security that comes from being able to see themselves mirrored in their biological family.

Unfortunately, many adoption workers perpetuate the misunderstanding that open adoption means only the exchange of identifying information, or pictures and letters once a year, with possibly a visit or two in the first year. But that arrangement is actually just a semi-open, or modified closed adoption. While it may make the adults feel a little better, it does nothing to reassure the child that it wasn’t a lack of love that brought about the relinquishment.

Too many expectant parents are never told of this distinction. Or they might be aware of what real open adoption is, but don’t have enough self-esteem to realize their importance to their child, so they don’t plan for contact up front. And then they wind up with the kind of adoptive parents who either reject them or who merely tolerate their presence instead of welcoming them and appreciating them. This is a situation that’s nearly impossible to correct down the road.

It’s very common to want more contact after the placement than you thought you’d want before. (For example, adopted people want and need to know their birth siblings. If and when you go on to have more children, will the adoptive parents be ready to allow a relationship, for the happiness of your kids and theirs?) Give yourself an insurance policy by asking for more contact and openness than you think you’ll use. If you don’t ask up front, you won’t be matched with the type of people that open adoption needs in order to be successful.

Don’t forget: the balance of power shifts after the adoption, at which time the prospective parents who have been courting you are now under no obligation to do anything for you at all. (Only a handful of states enforce open adoption agreements. Broken promises and closed-down adoptions are the source of enormous amounts of pain for birthparents everywhere. I’ll post more about that situation soon.)

Settle the question of openness up front. Interview prospective parents long and hard about their beliefs on this matter. When all the adults involved work together, open adoption is extremely positive for the child, but it isn't easy. Make sure the couples you’re considering get that. Assess whether they truly desire an open adoption relationship or are merely willing to meet your minimum requirements in order to get a baby.

And remember: for birthparents, open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege. It isn’t a question of adoptive parents "permitting" contact or "allowing" visits in order to lessen your grief or soothe their consciences. It is a tough, long-haul relationship that you and the adoptive parents commit to because you both believe it is better for your mutual child.

Last but not least: you have to be committed to it, too. Don’t promise you’re going to be there for your child and then back out when things get difficult. Remember who you’re doing this for, and why.