Recently, Maja over at the birthparents blog, wrote about failed matches. I thought this was an interesting topic that we should bring to light in this blog for those of you who are making adoption plans.

Before we go much further, let me define what I mean by the term “match.” In this case, I am referring to the prospective adoptive parents and expectant mother who have been paired up together and are planning to work together in an adoption agreement.

Typically, it’s usually adoptive parents that we hear of discussing failed matches. These occur when a potential birthmom changes her mind and chooses to parent. But adoptive parents are not the only ones who have had failed matches. This does happen to pregnant women who are making adoption plans. It happened to Maja and it happened to me. It was surprising to me that it happens at all, but just as expectant mothers have the right to refuse to place their child with a prospective adoptive family, prospective adoptive families have the right to turn down a situation that they don’t think will work for their family.

The first family I met sent word through the social worker at their attorney’s office that they were no longer interested in pursuing adopting my baby. I often wonder if it had anything to do with my son Noah having cerebral palsy. Although cerebral palsy is not genetic, they were alarmed when I told them that Noah had cerebral palsy and epilepsy. Looking back, I’m glad that it happened. I don’t think I would have the peace with adoption that I have at this point in my life had I placed Charlie with that family. The failed match was meant to happen so that Charlie could end up with the family he was meant to be with.

Failed matches can also occur once the child is born. Sometimes when a child is born with special needs that were unknown during pregnancy, the adoptive parents may feel it is too much for them to handle. This happened to birthmom Joy when her son was born with Downs Syndrome. Joy had been making an adoption plan and when her son was born with Downs the original family she had chosen backed out. Joy ended up placing her son with a family that was already parenting one child with Downs.

Some birthmothers may see a failed match as a sign that they should parent, while others may realize that they just haven’t found the right family yet.

P.S. Excuse the pun with the picture and the subject. I couldn't resist!