Do you notice that life feels very different now that you’re pregnant?

For me, pregnancy was a surreal time (and not just because of my illness and hospitalization, which I’ve blogged about here). Everything changed: colors looked brighter; my senses sharpened; and I craved things like pistachio ice cream and extra-salty burritos. It is hard to fully remember those months, but I think I temporarily became a different person.

I recall also feeling a definite lack of control. It wasn’t just the pressure of what to do about this unplanned pregnancy, or the pressure I was experiencing from all corners of my life to choose adoption. It was physical, too.

It started the minute I first saw my baby bump.

Several of my friends were pregnant at the same time, and all of us gathered for a “girls’ night in.” They asked if I thought I was showing yet, and I realized hadn’t really noticed. I pulled up my shirt a bit and looked down, and when I saw my stomach beginning to swell, I just cried and cried.

At the time I didn’t know whether this unreasonable sadness was due to conflicting feelings about the pregnancy or if perhaps it was a sign that I wouldn’t be a good mom. Now I realize that it had to do with feeling powerless. Throughout my entire life, I’d always been extremely slim, and seeing my body beginning to change beyond my control was a hard thing for me. I now know that this particular feeling can happen even to women who plan their pregnancies, but at the time I chalked it up to one more “sign” that I would be an imperfect mother.

With all of these strong, temporary emotions swirling around in your head, pregnancy is a strange time. If your pregnancy is not a happy one, it may be tempting to want to let the details fade, but you may find later that you’d like to remember as much as you can. That’s why I suggest keeping a journal. If you do surrender your baby, your journal will help you clearly recollect and explain to your child what you were thinking and feeling at the time.