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Depending on how your baby’s father reacted to the news of your shared pregnancy, you may or may not be looking forward to broaching the subject of adoption. If you have been researching the topic on your own, you will eventually have to have another one of “Those Discussions.” They feel big and scary. The uncertainty of his response might have you dragging your feet. Most of the fear, however, is the unknown. Once you tell him and receive his reaction, you can plan accordingly. As such, you should tell him about your thoughts on adoption as soon as you can muster the courage.
The reality of the situation is that your baby’s father has rights. As you have decided at this point to proceed with either parenting or adoption, he therefore has rights with regard to his child. That fact upsets some mothers for various reasons but, legally and ethically, he has rights and responsibilities to his child. If he chooses to walk away, he will have to deal with the repercussions in the future, either legally or when his child asks why he left. If you choose not to tell him about a potential adoption plan, you can actually jeopardize the adoption!
Your baby’s father will need to consent to the adoption. If he doesn’t want to place the baby with another family, he can contest the adoption. Some unethical agencies may counsel you to avoid telling him about your plans, telling you that they can terminate his rights if he doesn’t step forward by a certain date. While that may be true, courts have been known to overturn adoptions in which a mother neglected to inform the father about his child and the adoption proceedings. These laws vary from state to state but, to be safe, it’s best to be honest.
Here are some ideas on how to broach the conversation:
1. Do it face to face. Nobody wants to learn that a child they helped conceive could be placed for adoption via e-mail, text message, instant message or, worse, Facebook. Plan to sit down together and tell him to his face.
2. Tell him that you’re considering it, not that you’re set on it. Of course, that means that you need to tell him before you’re set on it. Do it sooner than later.
3. Offer to answer any questions he has about your reasons, even if they have to do with him. If he gets defensive, hear him out. (If he gets violent, leave.)
4. Tell him that he can talk to the agency workers if he has more questions. Don’t shut him out of the agency. Agencies actually complain that they wish more fathers were involved. Tell him that he has access to a counselor at your agency if he wants to talk to anyone privately. (If your agency doesn’t provide a counselor, find a new agency.)
5. Let him know that he can be as involved in the process as he wants. Or, if he prefers, as uninvolved. Explain the concepts of choosing a family and open adoption to him. Ask his opinions on the type of family he prefers and frequency of contact.
6. Let him know that he has rights. Even if you’re dead set on adoption, he needs to know that he has rights. Denying to tell him that he can contest the adoption and opt to parent isn’t fair to him or your child. And it can create complications for the adoption later if you’re not honest now.
I know it’s scary. However, having the initial conversation and dealing with the questions will alleviate a lot of stress on your part. More over, if your child’s father is on board with the idea of adoption, you will have someone to talk to and support you through the difficult months ahead. You can choose a family together, attend doctor’s appointments and lean on one another in the tumultuous, grief-stricken post-partum months should you choose to place.
If you have any questions on how to handle certain father issues, please don’t hesitate to ask!
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