So what’s it really like to be a birthmom? The first year or so after my surrender was a hellish time, and not one that I want to think about much at all. Today, seven years into this process, the down times have evened out to some extent. While I still grieve a lot, and holidays and anniversaries are uniformly painful, I am certainly able to have good days. My life, in general, is happy.

However, some days are bad. Such as yesterday.

Here’s what happened: I checked my voicemail, and there was a message from my son’s mom, who I don’t hear from very often. She sounded highly stressed, and indicated that things with my birthson are getting worse. (He’s been having some emotional and behavioral problems, and is seeing a psychologist.) His mom asked me to write down my medical/mental/emotional history for her so that she could give it to the doctors.

I did what she asked, but it was very draining. It isn't easy to analyze yourself like that. It was so incredibly difficult to sit there and spell out all my weaknesses and flaws--physical, mental, and emotional. And in order to get the most complete medical info, I had to go back through all my old letters to and from his birthfather, which were not pleasant memories to re-live.

I know that being able to provide information when needed is part of the responsibility of open adoption, and part of what makes it healthier for the kids. Instead of having to guess at why he is the way he is, his mom can just ask. But still, the whole experience is just awful. And of course I am very worried about his welfare.

Being a birthmom can make you feel so very powerless. I once read a quote that said something like, “Motherhood is like cutting your heart out and letting it walk about unprotected in the world.” Well, birthmotherhood is like that, too, only much more out of your control. If your child is suffering, there is very little you can do to make it better. Open adoption helps some, but not enough.