In my previous post, I began talking about the difference between an unplanned pregnancy and a crisis. I want to share my experiences and demonstrate the difference between a pregnancy and a crisis, so others won’t make my same mistakes.
My experience of going into the hospital with premature labor took away all of my control around my pregnancy and birth. If I could change anything, I would have found a midwife and had a homebirth. When the doctor transferred me into her care, I asked for help with my baby. She stated adoption as the solution because I was unmarried and not Catholic. She gave me several profiles of families to look through that went to her church. The day after I gave birth, a social worker and lawyer came in together stating I should pick one of their families. I stated to all parties that I wanted to parent. They all said I wasn’t good enough. There was no one in the hospital advocating for my rights.
I was intending to parent the whole time, I just wasn’t preparing very well. Looking back, my situation wasn’t really that dire. I worked full time at a factory job and I had a good friend willing to watch her while I was working. I was a good person finding my way out of a crisis. My pregnancy was not a problem. I could have raised my child just fine. The problem was that I was in a crisis and I needed help out of my situation, not out of motherhood.
The agency social worker and lawyer broke down my self-esteem after hours of sitting with me the day after my daughter’s birth. The agency worker told me repeatedly that my daughter deserved two parents and financial stability. The lawyer repeatedly said I didn’t have any rights. They stated that I could have a fully open adoption. My daughter could have it all, my love and their two parent home and financial security. For hours they grilled me until they succeeded in breaking down my self-esteem and shoved papers into my hand for me to sign away my rights. I had believed for a moment that I wasn’t good enough, and hoping that I did have rights. I didn’t. I lost my daughter forever. She has my love from a distance, but she doesn’t know it.
What would I say to myself or to anyone in that situation? First of all, if you have any doubts that adoption isn’t right for you, don’t sign anything. You have time to consider your options. You can place your infant baby after a week or a month. All parents have the right to raise their child and no one is perfect. If you feel that people are telling you that your child deserves better or that you aren’t good enough, don’t believe them. You are perfect just as you are and especially for your baby. It’s the situation that needs resolution, not the pregnancy.