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If you are considering relinquishment, you may be working with an adoption agency. Adoption agencies can be a great tool to use when seeking out potential adoptive parents for your child. They can also hinder the process in certain ways. I always talk about the absolute need to find an ethical adoption agency. However, I want you to consider something very important that isn’t really an ethical matter but more of a business matter.
That sounds awful, doesn’t it? That the placement of your baby would be likened to that of a business transaction? Unfortunately, to too many agencies, it comes down to that. Even if you remove the money from the equation, the truth is that some social workers and agency workers get desensitized to the importance of what you are doing, what you are going through in relation to this decision. They’ve been through this scenario with other expectant mothers time and time again. They may have become jaded by a series of difficult scenarios. They may have their own prejudices against mothers who are choosing to place. They may not have your best interest at heart.
Or they may. It’s so very difficult to know when you have no experience with these types of people or businesses.
If you are unfortunate to get a jaded, overworked social worker who just wants to get you in, get you matched and get your baby out, you really should leave and find another agency. You deserve time, to be treated with respect and to have help exploring all of your available options. If an agency can’t offer you those basic things, you need to leave. However, even in the best, most ethical agencies, sometimes wires get crossed. Sometimes a social worker or agency employee that has worked with x-number of expectant mothers considering placement over the years will assume what the mother in front of her wants. Maybe you don’t want what Birth Mother Jan Doe wanted. Maybe they’re only offering you a semi-open adoption with yearly letters and you’re hoping to match with a family in the same city so that frequent visits are an option. Maybe your situation is difficult and you’re not sure if a fully open adoption is something you can handle but that’s what is being tossed at you every time you speak with your contact at the agency. And you, being new to this situation and overwhelmed by the entirety of the pregnancy and possible adoption, don’t know how to say, “Hey! Wait! This isn’t what I want! Listen to me!”
The good news is this: that’s all you have to say.
If your agency contact isn’t listening, ask them to do so. If they still don’t, demand that they do so. Your desires need to be vocalized in order for them to be understood by the agency. If you don’t say what you want, they’re not going to know. Unfortunately, as agency workers are often overworked, they might not be telling you about all of your options. That’s why it’s so important for you to read up on adoption, know the laws of your state and keep up with your question asking!
It really comes down to you taking the initiative, explaining what you’re seeking and demanding that your rights are respected. Of course, you are also free to change your mind. If that happens, vocalize those changes to the agency. If they change again, let them know again. It is your responsibility to let them know. It is their responsibility to respect those wishes and desires.
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