I’ve written a few posts that pertain to common questions I am asked by pregnant women considering adoption. Another question I get asked a lot, especially by those considering open adoption, is – “Is it hard to see your baby at visits and then leave without him?”
That’s a good question but has a complex answer. To clarify, this question is usually referring to the post relinquishment visits. The visits you may have in the future with your child and his or her adoptive family.
I am not going to sugar coat things – it is very hard. As Charlie gets older, I think leaving gets easier. The first few visits after he was born were the hardest. I would cry each time I left him or he left me. Now, I try not to think of the leavings as “goodbye” but more of a “see you later.” That may sound trivial, but it has helped me.
Another thing I have noticed in my grieving process and dealing with the feelings of open adoption, is that when I “miss” Charlie, I miss the tiny newborn baby from the hospital, not the kindergartener I see running around today. I know they are one and the same but I don’t know the kindergartner as well as I did the baby.
In the first year, I had a lot of visits. I’d say almost monthly. I realized that was a little too much for me personally. There are some birthmoms who can handle that but I felt like I was stuck and not moving forward. I took a little space and was able to deal with my feelings and emotions and I actually started to enjoy the visits we did have when we had them.
So, once again, this question is not an easy one to answer with a definite yes or no answer, but there are my feelings on the subject and perhaps some other birthmoms can pipe in by commenting with their feelings.