Unplanned Pregnancy, Expectant Parent Blog - Co-Parenting and Eating Cake

02/28/08

Co-Parenting and Eating Cake

Posted by : Coley S. in Crisis Pregnancy Blog at 11:09 am , 375 words, 448 views
Categories: Society, Ongoing Contact

If you are considering open adoption and are being vocal with this consideration or doing any research, you may see (if you are reading online) and hear from others various myths about open adoption. One of those common myths is that open adoption is comparable to co-parenting. I’ve even heard some people go as far as to say that open adoption is a glorified form of baby sitting or that open adoption is “having your cake and eating it too.”

First of all, let’s look at the definition for co=parenting. Co-parenting is defined as:

An arrangement in which parents share legal and physical custody of a child or children. - Source

Co-parenting situations are typical in cases where custody is shared between two sets of parents or guardians and in divorce and separation situations.

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I’m not co-parenting in any way, shape, or form with Charlie’s adoptive parents. Yes, I’m involved in his life but more as a by stander or supporter, not as a parent. I don’t have physical custody of him or even visitation rights. I don’t provide for him financially as parents do. I don’t discipline him as parents do. I don’t make decisions regarding his care or upbringing like parents do. When I signed over my parental rights allowing S and A to adopt Charlie, they became his parents. They are the ones who have physical custody of Charlie. They are the ones who provide for him financially and make all the important day to day decisions regarding his upbringing, health care, schooling, etc.

As for the “having your cake and eating it too” comments, in my opinion that implies that open adoption is fun for a birthmother or having the open adoption is for her (the birthmother’s) benefit. In reality, being a birthmother in an open adoption is hard. There are some times when it’s so emotionally tiring that I wish I could throw in the towel and quit but open adoption is for my son’s benefit so that’s why I continue doing it.

Open adoption definitely isn’t co-parenting or a party with cake!

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Open Adoption = No Pain

2 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: John [Member]

Nicely covered Coley. There are a lot of myths, and no one benefits from mis-information.

In older child adoption, open adoption is rare, the TPR was not volentary and the kids have usually been abused by the birth parents. I was inquiring on a boy where the agency hoped to adopting parents would agree to an open adoption arangement with the birth mother. He was interesting, so I called and asked the worker, 'Am I expected to have regular visits, and perhaps mom gets overnights as well?" She was shocked, her definition of open adoption was a yearly exchange of letters and pictures, perhaps with a phone call.

Open adoption can mean so many different things to people. I think one of the issues is to get people to realize it isn't just one product. John

Permalink 02/28/08 @ 15:49

Comment from: Coley S. [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Very true John but since this is a crisis pregnancy blog, I'm writing under the assumption that expectant mothers considering adoption would be placing their unborn baby as a newborn.

And regardless of the definition of open adoption, from my point of view, it's not co-parenting.

Permalink 02/28/08 @ 21:19

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