Do I know women who feel good about their adoption decision? Sure. That’s not to say they don’t feel grief—-all birthparents feel grief. But they don’t have the extra pain of knowing they made the wrong decision. As one birth mother I know put it, “I regret having had to make the choice, because of course it’s the most awful decision you can ever have to make. But I don’t regret the choice itself.”

Makes perfect sense to me.

So what are the characteristics of these happier birthparents? I am thinking through all of the stories I know, and several common threads stand out. Here they are:

• The expectant parents had full control over their decision process.
• They were offered the option to parent and the support to do so. In many cases, they tried parenting first.
• Likewise, the expectant father was fully informed of all plans concerning the child. His input was solicited and he too was offered the opportunity to parent.
• No one insisted that adoption was the only option, or the best option.
• They educated themselves during their pregnancies about what adoption would mean to them and their child.
• They were able to enjoy their delivery experience without undue pressure from waiting adoptive parents. In the best cases, the adoptive parents actually asked them face-to-face if they were really sure about going ahead with the plan.
• They terminated their rights while standing up in a court of law, a few weeks after the birth, not in a hospital bed immediately after birth.
• Their state allowed a period for them to change their minds and revoke their adoption decision, which enabled them to re-make the decision one last time.
• There were no unethical moves made by attorneys, adoption agencies or facilitators.
• They have an ongoing, positive relationship with their child’s parents, and have since their child’s birth.
• They are respected by their child’s parents and valued for their contribution to their child’s life.
• They participate in ongoing counseling and support groups.

When these conditions are met, it’s much more likely that the birthparents will not experience serious regret. All birthparents wonder “what if” from time to time, which is natural and to be expected. The type of regret you want to avoid is the type where you are certain you made the wrong choice. When adoptions are handled according to the bullet points listed above, the chances of that happening are lessened.